If you're involved with Femdom, there's a chance you've been or will be ghosted at some point. This article seeks to help victims of ghosting understand why it happens and find closure.
Twitter and Reddit are full of messages from devastated Dommes, wondering why their submissive suddenly vanished without a word of warning. It's not just submissives either; Domme's are equally as guilty of this appalling behaviour.
Ghosting is extremely painful for the person ghosted; it can trigger a tsunami of unpleasant emotions and leave them scarred and forever wondering what they did wrong.
I wrote this article because I want to explain why I think ghosting occurs to help those who have fallen victim to this terrible act gain closure and peace.
A common misconception in the Femdom community is that Dommes are cold-hearted ice queens and unaffected by the behaviour of a submissive, but this is not true. Underneath that leather catsuit is a human being with real emotions, and the actions of a submissive have consequences. If you've previously ghosted or plan to – please read this and consider how your actions will impact the other person.
I want to preface this article by stating that although I'm about to provide insight and reasoning into why people ghost, I don't endorse it. Ghosting is not only disrespectful; it's emotional abuse and can cause significant psychological injury to the recipient.
Why Do Subs Ghost in Femdom?
There are three main reasons why a sub may ghost, and of course, none of them is pleasant. It's important to realise that reasons #1 and #2 do not reflect you or your ability as a Domme.
👻 Reason #1: They're an asshole and/or narcissist.
Accepting you've been in a dynamic with an asshole can be a difficult pill to swallow, especially if you've been with this person for some time. Some people lie, cheat, manipulate, and then disappear when they've extracted what they want from you.
Disappearing acts are standard practices for someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. The narcissist will tell you everything you want to hear at the beginning (called love-bombing), and then when you have fulfilled their needs, you'll be discarded without a second thought. Narcissists may come back weeks, months or even years later to try and suck you back in (called hoovering).
👻 Reason #2: They're immature and don't know how to handle their emotions.
This cause is less benign and likely the more common reason why a sub will ghost their Domme. Being submissive is not easy: it goes against societal norms, makes it challenging to find a traditional relationship, and is often bound to self-worth issues that would be better managed through therapy rather than Femdom.
It can be an isolating experience for many subs as they can not share their feelings and problems with friends for fear of judgment. Engaging in humiliation and degradation is a dangerous game that can trigger mental health issues for subs who don't know how to handle their emotions, especially when playing with Dommes who don't understand how to take proper care of their submissive either.
From my observations, younger subs are more likely to ghost because they get confused or overwhelmed by their emotions. They lack experience but stampede into dangerous play with Dommes, who also lack knowledge and sometimes have no respect for ethical BDSM practices or the subs well-being, creating a volatile dynamic that's ready to explode at any moment.
When a submissive's self-worth issues get triggered, and they don't know how to communicate their emotions or feel safe doing so, the only option the sub may feel they have is to vanish and enter into self-preservation mode. They may then resurface after days or weeks once their emotional state has rebalanced.
👻 Reason 3: They were mistreated.
The idea that all subs are worthless worms and deserve to be treated like shit is a dangerous myth, especially when played out by a Domme who genuinely believes this and has no respect for their submissive's mental health or well-being. No matter how much a sub wants to be degraded or treated like dirt, they are still human beings with emotions, vulnerabilities and the ability to feel pain.
Subs are attracted to these ruthless ice queen Dommes because it's sexy, but once the dynamic starts to shift into the direction of emotional abuse, the sub gets overwhelmed and must remove themselves from the situation for self-preservation.
Why Do Dommes Ghost?
It's not just submissive at fault either; Domme's are equally as guilty of this reckless behaviour - I've been ghosted twice. The first time was after a six month intense relationship that started online and moved to real life. One day she didn't feel well; the next, she was gone forever without explanation. The second time was following a three month online relationship; after extracting gifts from me, she vanished without explanation.
Dommes ghost for similar reasons as stated above. However, it's unlikely to be due to a self-worth issue and more likely because they're narcissists and have no respect for other people's feelings or well being.
How to Prevent Subs From Ghosting
The key to preventing a sub from ghosting is identifying the warning signs as early as possible and avoiding getting into a relationship with a would-be Casper. Watch out for these red flags –
🚩 Is the relationship too good to be true? Then it probably is. Genuine relationships are likely to have some glitches, even in the beginning, and having some problems is normal and a good sign. If a sub is telling you everything you want to hear, proceed with caution.
🚩 Does the sub disappear immediately after having an orgasm? This may be a tell-tale sign of a 'do me' sub who is only interested in obtaining sexual gratification. A loyal submissive who is in for the long haul will stick around after climax.
🚩 Do you talk about things other than fantasy? It's a red flag if the submissive is only interested in talking about kink and getting his rocks off. If a sub is making an effort to build a friendship with you, they're probably going to stick around.
🚩 Is the submissive respectful and obedient? A submissive that is difficult, who talks back or doesn't want to do what he's told will likely be a waste of your time.
How To Attract (and Keep) A Loyal Sub
A quick Twitter search will provide you with endless tweets from Dommes complaining about unreliable subs and searching for that elusive loyal sub.
Dealing with 'do me' subs who come and go can be frustrating, and the idea of having a loyal sub who sticks around forever is unapologetically appealing. However, most of these tweets translate to 'I want a sub to serve me forever without any effort on my part.'
Do me subs are ten-a-penny, but loyal subs that stick around are rare, and they gravitate to the Dommes that treat them best. Some loyal subs require little in return from these relationships; it's more commonly a two-way street where subs will invest their time, emotions and money into a Domme who reciprocates by caring for them and ensuring their needs are also met.
To attract loyal subs, you need to demonstrate the characteristics these subs are looking for when choosing a Domme to serve. Every sub is different and looking for different things, but loyal subs are most likely going to be looking for a Domme who:
- will stick around - if a sub senses you may be gone in a week, they won't bother investing their time.
- connects with them on multiple levels - it's difficult, if not impossible, to build a meaningful, lasting relationship exclusively on kinks. Loyal subs will want to get to know the person behind the online persona.
- provides care – experienced subs are self-aware and understand that they will encounter emotional turbulence from time to time. An great Domme always has her subs best interests at heart and takes good care of them when needed. If you can make a sub feel safe being vulnerable with you, they will likely stick around.
- has itegrety – I've witnessed Domme's accepting money for gifts or content, who then don't buy the gifts or send the content.
- is genuine – Domme profiles are often full of Femdom cliches and experienced subs see right through this. If being an ice queen isn't your style, find a style that works for you and be yourself. You'll attract a much better quality of subs by being authentic.
What are loyal submissives not looking for? Someone who has no interest in Femdom and is only interested in their own personal gain and treats them like shit outside of play. Of course, many subs are into humiliation play, and it can be a lot of fun, but you can't build a lasting relationship exclusively on the fantasy of 'ice queen, worthless worm'.
It's inevitable that your relationship will experience some turbulence at some point because emotions shift; it's normal and just a natural part of BDSM. How you handle this situation will define the future of the relationship.
- freak out and overwhelm your sub even more
- criticise them or make them feel guilty about their feelings
- cut them off or make them feel isolated
- continue to engage in dangerous play that may cause further harm
- communicate openly and clearly
- listen to your submissive
- use BDSM protocols: communicate upfront what is acceptable and what isn't agree on a safe word
- provide a safe space for your submissive to share and process emotions. This will reduce the likelihood that they need time away from you and intensify your bond with them.
Give your sub space if and when they need it; this doesn't need to be a painful process. Time away from Femdom is healthy, and you can keep the lines of communication open, remain friends, check in with them and talk about other things.
How to End a Relationship Gracefully
There may become a time when one or both parties need to take a break or end the relationship. This is always a difficult thing to do, and at least one person will get hurt. The important thing is to be upfront, explain why the situation has changed, and agree on a plan for moving forward. Even if communication must end entirely, ghosting is NEVER acceptable behaviour. The very least anyone can do is tell the other person why they don't want to continue the relationship and ideally provide a reason for it.
If you have been ghosted, it's important to remember that it's not a reflection of who you are, or anything you did - ghosting occurs because of poor values and a lack of respect held by other people.
If you want to share your own experiences in this article to help others cope with the pain of being ghosted, drop me an email.
Photo credit: Tandem X Visuals