Professional loser Andrew Tate recently demonstrated his penchant for small penis humiliation when he boasted the size of his massive car collection to Greta Thunberg, who responded by telling him to email her at smalldickenergy@getalife.com - ouch!

I found this Twitter exchange particularly interesting because Tate is a self-proclaimed 'alpha' male who has made a name for himself, shilling advice to young men on how to be more masculine and dominant.

Ironically, most of Tate's behaviour seems to be centred around approval seeking - which is probably one of the most un-alpha things a man can do.

Even more pathetic was his recent Christmas speech, in which he sits in an expensive London hotel puffing on a cigar beside £250,000 (apparently) worth of designer shopping in the shot while telling viewers they are losers.

Sitting alone in a hotel on Christmas Day, surrounded by bags of stuff you don't need, seeking the approval of other men - who is the real loser here?

He did say he bought four pairs of Jimmy Choo's for his 'girlfriends', but I wouldn't be surprised if these shoes are a tribute to a Romanian Fin Domme.

While all this is entertaining, the real issue with Tate is that he has become a role model for many men. I don't doubt that he's had a positive impact on some men; on the other hand, I see the uber-masculine alpha male bullshit as a dangerous idea for submissive men who may be struggling to find their place in the world.

Tate continually conveys that women are only interested in masculine, rich, alpha males. Of course, this is utter horse shit, evident by the fact that Tate is never pictured with any women, so it mustn't be working too well for him.

Is this because of his tiny penis? Maybe. However, it's more likely due to his tiny ego and approval-seeking behaviour.

If you're a submissive man struggling with identity, please don't listen to 'alpha' males like Tate pushing red pill bullshit. This man probably wants to dress up in a maid's outfit, do the cleaning and get pegged as a reward, but he's too afraid to admit it to himself.

If you're involved with Femdom, there's a chance you've been or will be ghosted at some point. This article seeks to help victims of ghosting understand why it happens and find closure.

Twitter and Reddit are full of messages from devastated Dommes, wondering why their submissive suddenly vanished without a word of warning. It's not just submissives either; Domme's are equally as guilty of this appalling behaviour.

Ghosting is extremely painful for the person ghosted; it can trigger a tsunami of unpleasant emotions and leave them scarred and forever wondering what they did wrong.

I wrote this article because I want to explain why I think ghosting occurs to help those who have fallen victim to this terrible act gain closure and peace.

A common misconception in the Femdom community is that Dommes are cold-hearted ice queens and unaffected by the behaviour of a submissive, but this is not true. Underneath that leather catsuit is a human being with real emotions, and the actions of a submissive have consequences. If you've previously ghosted or plan to – please read this and consider how your actions will impact the other person.

I want to preface this article by stating that although I'm about to provide insight and reasoning into why people ghost, I don't endorse it. Ghosting is not only disrespectful; it's emotional abuse and can cause significant psychological injury to the recipient.

Why Do Subs Ghost in Femdom?

There are three main reasons why a sub may ghost, and of course, none of them is pleasant. It's important to realise that reasons #1 and #2 do not reflect you or your ability as a Domme.

👻 Reason #1: They're an asshole and/or narcissist.

Accepting you've been in a dynamic with an asshole can be a difficult pill to swallow, especially if you've been with this person for some time. Some people lie, cheat, manipulate, and then disappear when they've extracted what they want from you.

Disappearing acts are standard practices for someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. The narcissist will tell you everything you want to hear at the beginning (called love-bombing), and then when you have fulfilled their needs, you'll be discarded without a second thought. Narcissists may come back weeks, months or even years later to try and suck you back in (called hoovering).

👻 Reason #2: They're immature and don't know how to handle their emotions.

This cause is less benign and likely the more common reason why a sub will ghost their Domme. Being submissive is not easy: it goes against societal norms, makes it challenging to find a traditional relationship, and is often bound to self-worth issues that would be better managed through therapy rather than Femdom.

It can be an isolating experience for many subs as they can not share their feelings and problems with friends for fear of judgment. Engaging in humiliation and degradation is a dangerous game that can trigger mental health issues for subs who don't know how to handle their emotions, especially when playing with Dommes who don't understand how to take proper care of their submissive either.

From my observations, younger subs are more likely to ghost because they get confused or overwhelmed by their emotions. They lack experience but stampede into dangerous play with Dommes, who also lack knowledge and sometimes have no respect for ethical BDSM practices or the subs well-being, creating a volatile dynamic that's ready to explode at any moment.

When a submissive's self-worth issues get triggered, and they don't know how to communicate their emotions or feel safe doing so, the only option the sub may feel they have is to vanish and enter into self-preservation mode. They may then resurface after days or weeks once their emotional state has rebalanced.

👻 Reason 3: They were mistreated.

The idea that all subs are worthless worms and deserve to be treated like shit is a dangerous myth, especially when played out by a Domme who genuinely believes this and has no respect for their submissive's mental health or well-being. No matter how much a sub wants to be degraded or treated like dirt, they are still human beings with emotions, vulnerabilities and the ability to feel pain.

Subs are attracted to these ruthless ice queen Dommes because it's sexy, but once the dynamic starts to shift into the direction of emotional abuse, the sub gets overwhelmed and must remove themselves from the situation for self-preservation.

Why Do Dommes Ghost?

It's not just submissive at fault either; Domme's are equally as guilty of this reckless behaviour - I've been ghosted twice. The first time was after a six month intense relationship that started online and moved to real life. One day she didn't feel well; the next, she was gone forever without explanation. The second time was following a three month online relationship; after extracting gifts from me, she vanished without explanation.

Dommes ghost for similar reasons as stated above. However, it's unlikely to be due to a self-worth issue and more likely because they're narcissists and have no respect for other people's feelings or well being.

How to Prevent Subs From Ghosting

The key to preventing a sub from ghosting is identifying the warning signs as early as possible and avoiding getting into a relationship with a would-be Casper. Watch out for these red flags –

🚩 Is the relationship too good to be true? Then it probably is. Genuine relationships are likely to have some glitches, even in the beginning, and having some problems is normal and a good sign. If a sub is telling you everything you want to hear, proceed with caution.

🚩 Does the sub disappear immediately after having an orgasm? This may be a tell-tale sign of a 'do me' sub who is only interested in obtaining sexual gratification. A loyal submissive who is in for the long haul will stick around after climax.

🚩 Do you talk about things other than fantasy? It's a red flag if the submissive is only interested in talking about kink and getting his rocks off. If a sub is making an effort to build a friendship with you, they're probably going to stick around.

🚩  Is the submissive respectful and obedient? A submissive that is difficult, who talks back or doesn't want to do what he's told will likely be a waste of your time.

How To Attract (and Keep) A Loyal Sub

A quick Twitter search will provide you with endless tweets from Dommes complaining about unreliable subs and searching for that elusive loyal sub.

Dealing with 'do me' subs who come and go can be frustrating, and the idea of having a loyal sub who sticks around forever is unapologetically appealing. However, most of these tweets translate to 'I want a sub to serve me forever without any effort on my part.'

Do me subs are ten-a-penny, but loyal subs that stick around are rare, and they gravitate to the Dommes that treat them best. Some loyal subs require little in return from these relationships; it's more commonly a two-way street where subs will invest their time, emotions and money into a Domme who reciprocates by caring for them and ensuring their needs are also met.

To attract loyal subs, you need to demonstrate the characteristics these subs are looking for when choosing a Domme to serve. Every sub is different and looking for different things, but loyal subs are most likely going to be looking for a Domme who:

• will stick around - if a sub senses you may be gone in a week, they won't bother investing their time.
• connects with them on multiple levels - it's difficult, if not impossible, to build a meaningful, lasting relationship exclusively on kinks. Loyal subs will want to get to know the person behind the online persona.
• provides care – experienced subs are self-aware and understand that they will encounter emotional turbulence from time to time. An great Domme always has her subs best interests at heart and takes good care of them when needed. If you can make a sub feel safe being vulnerable with you, they will likely stick around.
• has itegrety – I've witnessed Domme's accepting money for gifts or content, who then don't buy the gifts or send the content.
• is genuine – Domme profiles are often full of Femdom cliches and experienced subs see right through this. If being an ice queen isn't your style, find a style that works for you and be yourself. You'll attract a much better quality of subs by being authentic.

What are loyal submissives not looking for? Someone who has no interest in Femdom and is only interested in their own personal gain and treats them like shit outside of play. Of course, many subs are into humiliation play, and it can be a lot of fun, but you can't build a lasting relationship exclusively on the fantasy of 'ice queen, worthless worm'.

It's inevitable that your relationship will experience some turbulence at some point because emotions shift; it's normal and just a natural part of BDSM. How you handle this situation will define the future of the relationship.

Don't –

• freak out and overwhelm your sub even more
• criticise them or make them feel guilty about their feelings
• cut them off or make them feel isolated
• continue to engage in dangerous play that may cause further harm

Do -

• communicate openly and clearly
• listen to your submissive
• use BDSM protocols: communicate upfront what is acceptable and what isn't agree on a safe word
• provide a safe space for your submissive to share and process emotions. This will reduce the likelihood that they need time away from you and intensify your bond with them.

Give your sub space if and when they need it; this doesn't need to be a painful process. Time away from Femdom is healthy, and you can keep the lines of communication open, remain friends, check in with them and talk about other things.

How to End a Relationship Gracefully

There may become a time when one or both parties need to take a break or end the relationship. This is always a difficult thing to do, and at least one person will get hurt. The important thing is to be upfront, explain why the situation has changed, and agree on a plan for moving forward. Even if communication must end entirely, ghosting is NEVER acceptable behaviour. The very least anyone can do is tell the other person why they don't want to continue the relationship and ideally provide a reason for it.

If you have been ghosted, it's important to remember that it's not a reflection of who you are, or anything you did - ghosting occurs because of poor values and a lack of respect held by other people.

If you want to share your own experiences in this article to help others cope with the pain of being ghosted, drop me an email.

Photo credit: Tandem X Visuals

Are you searching for your dream man who is also a submissive between the sheets?

Well, great news - it's a seller's market out there. Just ask any woman with a Fetlife account.

There are around one hundred subs for every Domme (OK, I just made that statistic up, but the actual number is probably even higher).

This may sound reassuring, but it comes with a set of problems.

1. How do you find a genuine man interested in having a relationship or FLR - who is not going to ghost you after he gets his rocks off?
2. How do you find a sub who doesn't live on the other side of the world?

In this article, we'll explore how to find a great submissive man both online and offline. Before you get started on your journey, however, there are a few critical questions that you must ask yourself if you want to make this process as easy and painless as possible.

What Are You Looking For?

When searching for a submissive man, especially if you're looking online - you're going to be bombarded with messages. It's not uncommon for a woman to receive up to 300 messages for a single Femdom personal post.

Now, who doesn't want that kind of attention?

While this can initially be flattering, sifting through these messages to find the nugget of gold is like searching for a needle in a haystack. I assume you don't have weeks to spend vetting men, so you need a filtering system to quickly process the responses and find those that match your requirements.

Whether you're an experienced Dominatrix or you're new to Femdom, spending a few minutes thinking about the following questions can make the process of finding a submissive man much more effortless.

• Do you want a 24/7 lifestyle relationship or just something in the bedroom?–
• What kinks and desires do you want your partner to fulfil?
• What potential kinks that your partner has are you willing to embrace?
• What are your limits?
• How does your ideal partner look?
• What personality characteristics does he have? Is he funny, outgoing, introverted?
• Do you want someone with experience, or are you happy training a newbie?
• How does your perfect relationship look?
• Do you want to get married?
• Do you want to find someone local? Are you happy to relocate, or would you prefer him to move?

If you want to inject a bit more fun into this activity – create a vision board! Grab a big sheet of paper (or do it on your computer) and search for images that represent the characteristics and feelings of what you're looking for and add them to your vision board.

Where to Find a Submissive Man in Real Life

While you might feel that finding a submissive man online would be easier, I'd recommend including an offline search in your strategy for three reasons:

1. You're more likely to find someone in your area.
2. You can find someone with who you share other interests and hobbies.
3. You get to meet him right away - you won't potentially waste months talking and planning trips only to learn they're not what you expected.

Submissive men exist in all walks of life; from the guy working at your local grocery store to your car mechanic to the high-flying CEO, any one of them could be your future slave-husband.

Some men will know they're submissive and have experience; these men are easier to find. Some may have no experience or may not have discovered their submissive side yet, and others will be somewhere in the middle.

The best place to look for submissive men in real life is in the places you usually hang out! This way, you're more likely to meet a man that shares the same values and interests as you, with the bonus that they're also submissive.

If you're vegetarian, wouldn't it be great to meet a sub who loves tofu as much as you?

A relationship is built on more than just Femdom, after all.

How to Spot a Submissive Man in The Wild

It's unlikely that a submissive man will be walking around your city wearing a latex gimp suit and carrying a placard listing his kinks, so you will need to know how to spot him.

The bad news is there are no typical characteristics of submissive men that make them easy to spot. Some women will say that the shy guy who doesn't make eye contact with you is a definite submissive, but this may also be a sign of social anxiety.

I don't want to make any generalisations about men here because they're all different, but what I can do is give you an insight into my personality so you can see the signs and contradictions.

You might be surprised to learn that I don't walk around in a gimp mask sporting a collar and leash.

I'm very much in control in my day-to-day life - I dislike authority (how cliché) and have engineered my entire life to avoid it. I run my own company, ride a motorcycle and go to the gym – not exactly the submissive stereotype.

However, the following are the traits that I believe are subtle signs of my submissive side and love for Femdom. I'm not suggesting all submissive men are like this, but it's a good place to start.

• I'm chivalrous
• I want you to make a move
• I enjoy small acts of service
• I will talk about kink to test the water (not all guys will do this)

I must reiterate that these are not guaranteed signs, but they are good indicators to allow you to start digging a little further underneath the surface.

Be Upfront About Your Interest in Femdom

Just as men are unlikely to give blatant signals that they're submissive, you too must realise that unless you're walking the streets in a catsuit with a riding crop tucked under your arm, men won't be able to tell that you're a dominant woman.

You're going to have to give off some signals, and the strength of these signals is going to depend entirely on the level of openness that you're comfortable with.

"I just go straight to the point after 1/2 dates max. Especially since my domination is mostly sexual and not that receiving service focused, and sex for me is important, I cannot wait for months to see if they want to be submissive in bed."

"After or during a date (in person or online), I will tell them something along the lines of "Hey, can I tell you something important to me? I had/am having a lovely time, but before taking the next step, I would like to tell you I prefer taking a more dominant position in sex and my relationships. How do you feel about that? If you think you do not like it, no issue with me, but there is no reason to waste each other's time, and it would be better to move on and date other people with mutual interests". If they respond yes, then great game is on. If they respond no, great, I can move on."

If you're comfortable with being this upfront early on – grab the bull by the horns! If not, go for a more subtle approach.

A more discreet approach is to hint that you like being in control of your life and that you enjoy taking charge in your career or hobbies.

An experienced submissive will get the hint without risking yourself any embarrassment – other guys probably won't think much of this statement.

Flavour Your Flirting with Femdom

Another approach is to introduce Femdom into your flirting playfully.

Crack a few BDSM jokes to steer the conversation in that direction or take the lead and see how he responds.

If he responds positively, you can take the conversation further in this direction; if not – you can move on without discomfort.

Remember, many submissive guys will want you to take the lead here, so don't wait for them to do it, or you may get nowhere.

Some women have great success in introducing some subtle service-play during their dates; if you're comfortable with this, you can have a lot of fun.

"I asked him to get me another drink, very deliberately and fully intending to pay for myself. Most non-sub guys will insist on paying. This guy just respected my wishes and got up, took my offered debit card and went and got my drink. See? He didn't make it about what HE thought should happen. He just did as I asked."

Ask him to fetch you a drink or hold your bag and see how he responds. A submissive guy will be happy to perform this small act of service for you. It's important to use a playful and friendly tone here; you don't want to appear disrespectful.

"I wanted to share a quick tip I've found helpful in the flirting stage of getting to know someone. I like to gauge their reaction to being a little bossy or making a small demand like: tell me a joke, grab my water bottle etc.

Another time, again anecdotal: first two dates had been vanilla thus far, we were walking downtown, and I made him hold my jacket and purse and saw him try to contain a smile pretending it inconvenienced him. We stopped in at the sandwich shop for a quick bite, and I decided to test the dynamic. I waited until he sat down to point to the drink cooler and say, "go get me a tea, now." A huge grin erupted on his face as he bounced up, and when he brought me the drink, he told me he liked "making me happy."

Attend a Munch

If you live in a big city, you probably have munches in your local area, which are a great way to meet other kinksters, including submissive men. If you're not familiar with the concept of a munch, it's a networking event for kinky people.

Use Fetlife to locate munches in your area. If you feel intimated by this idea, try not to worry – these are not sex parties and are often held in a normal environment like a restaurant or bar. The organiser will usually vet those attending to make sure everyone is respectful and friendly.

Attend munches to make new friends. You might not meet the submissive man of your dreams on the first night, but you might make a few friends who will later introduce you to a great guy they know.

How to Find A Submissive Man Online

Finding and talking to submissive men online is much easier because you can remain anonymous while being completely upfront about your intentions.

Although it's easier, I still recommend searching both online and offline. I've met great dominant women online and offline (they don't all advertise themselves online).

In 2021, you're spoiled for choice with places to find submissive men online – the challenge is cutting through the noise and finding the right one.

Fetlife

The obvious first choice is Fetlife, with its 8 million kinksters - how could you not find a submissive man on here? An important consideration is that Fetlife is not a dating website - many people use it as a kinky Facebook to share photos with their friends that are too explicit for traditional social media sites.

The best strategy to find a submissive man on Fetlife is to join some Femdom groups and also use it to locate munches in your area.

That's not to say that you can't reach out to men on Fetlife if you find someone with a profile that particularly piques your interest. Men will generally be more receptive to receiving mail because they typically don't receive hundreds of messages per week like women.

Just make sure to read his profile and ascertain that he is looking for the same thing as you - you don't want to reach out to a man happily married in an FLR.

Your Fetlife profile can remain anonymous, so you can be explicitly clear that you're looking for a Femdom relationship. You can even list your kinks and fetishes!

Reddit

Reddit has multiple communities focused on Femdom, most notably Femdom Personals, where you will find hundreds of guys searching for their dream Domme every week.

Many of them are just looking for wank fodder, although some are genuinely interested in building something long-term. The challenge is in separating the two.

You can also post your own ad and receive hundreds of replies from guys with a hard-on, and some genuine subs sprinkled amongst them somewhere.

Like Fetlife, you can be as upfront as you like, although it's going to be pretty apparent to anyone in this subreddit what you're looking for.

Although it sounds contradictory, keep your posts relatively vanilla with some sprinkles of kink - talk about your hobbies and interests and don't use any language that you'd use in a scene; keep that for later.

Experienced submissives are wary of scammers online - who typically use scene-lingo right off the bat, so if you do this - the good men will be skimming over your profile.

Keep your profile positive and focus on your qualities and what you can offer. I see lots of women and men posting personal ads on Reddit that sound more like they're looking for a therapist rather than a partner.

Maintaining extremely high standards and crucifying guys that have a poor approach may not be the most fruitful strategy. Sometimes a poor approach is down to a man's lack of experience rather than him being disrespectful. It's not easy for men to get experience with Femdom; some guys simply don't know what is expected of them. There's lots of submissive men out there that would be happy to learn, so don't rule them out because they called you Mistress right off the bat.

Tinder & Other Dating Sites

While there may be many submissive men posting in Femdom personals, few of them are likely to be in your local vicinity unless you live in a big city.

Traditional dating websites like Tinder or Match are also great tools to find a submissive guy who lives near you. Like finding a sub in real-life, the trick is being upfront about your intentions – although this can be tricky on these sites because they are not anonymous.

Be as upfront as you're comfortable with; the clearer your intentions, the easier it will be to find someone.

"I just have a one-liner in my Tinder profile that draws them out: "my favourite flavour of man is submissive. Wanna be part of my harem? I've had several real subs find me this way."

"I changed my Tinder profile to include "Domme you can take home to Mom". It's a revelation. There are sooo many subs on Tinder (with varying levels of experience), and since it is Tinder they are usually local and willing to meet up."

If you're not comfortable with this level of candidness, stick with a subtle mention that you like to be in control of your personal life or just mention that you're kinky.

You can also take the 'manual' approach and explore Femdom in private conversations with your potential matches through some subtle flirting.

Online Communities

There are many online communities centred around Femdom, such as the Femdom Community on Reddit and Submissive Men and the Women Who Love them on Fetlife. It's worth getting into the habit of actively participating in these groups – there are many dominant women and submissive men in both.

If you want to go nuclear on your Femdom search and are happy to invest more time into it, establish yourself as an authority in the community.

Start a Femdom blog and write about your experiences, or write a book!

You can easily promote this content on places like Twitter and build up a following - submissive men will then find you.

Check out Ferns or NotJustBitchy as two great examples of women blogging about Femdom.

Good Luck On Your Search!

Dating in 2021 is a minefield for even the most vanilla people – Femdom dating is exponentially more difficult for many of us, but it doesn't have to be - just remember these three key actions:

1. Search online AND offline
2. Be clear and upfront about your intentions
3. Don't give up!

Got a tip on finding a submissive man? Let me know via email or Twitter, and I'll add it to the article.

To find your perfect Pro-Domme to satisfy all your Femdom fantasies, you first need to know yourself.

What I mean by knowing yourself, is understanding your wants, needs and expectations as a submissive.

A story I’ve heard a few times from different clients, goes something like this: a man has submissive fantasies and embarks on a process of discovery by experience. They go online and search through ads. They find a Mistress and go to see her. After the session they realise that they don’t feel satisfied.

They try again, with another Mistress, and again with another, and so on. It is not uncommon for this process to go on for 20 years before a submissive eventually finds a Mistress that provides them with a session that is perfect for them.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with trying out different Mistresses. I think we all crave novel experiences. Something new can be exciting and we can learn from it. Indeed, the story above illustrates a process of trial and error that eventually yields the solution.

What I am saying, is that armed with a firm understanding of who you are as a seeker of services, you will be better equipped to carry out valuable research into finding a suitable Mistress.

There are as many types of Mistress as there are types of sub! Do not assume that any Mistress will match your requirements.

Here are my recommendations for finding your perfect
Dominatrix:

Know Yourself

Ask yourself some questions.

Are you a sub?

Or are you more of a kinkster?

What does submission mean to you?

How do you experience your kinks?

What is your ideal type of session?

How might sexual, BDSM and psychological aspects blend?

What are the core emotions that you would like to feel and how do you imagine those emotions being elicited from you?

What sort of introduction and/or aftercare do you need to feel that you have had a complete experience?

If you have never filled out a BDSM or kink questionnaire before then you might like to do so. Fetlife has a lot of good information that you can dive into as do many Mistresses on their websites.

Know The Mistress

Once you have established a rounded view of yourself as a seeker of services and understand what type of session you would like to experience, you can set out to research Mistresses and find a match.

Read their websites. If a Mistress says that she does not advertise services that you want, do not seek them! Find a Mistress who does.

As well as reading websites, browse social media to deepen your understanding of a Mistress that you wish to approach. I always appreciate it when a prospective client has taken time to absorb social media content that I have shared, because it suggests that they have invested time in a process of discovery. Investing time suggests a careful rather than a thoughtless approach to seeking services.

If a Mistress has a booking request form, its usually a good idea to fill that out rather than sending her an email. Make sure you know what the booking process is.

You could even arrange to have a preliminary telephone call with a Mistress, so that you can establish contact and create some familiarity before booking a session, if you are both happy to do so. I personally always have a telephone call with a prospective client before agreeing to have a session with them, because it helps me to understand if they are a suitable client for me.

Once you have booked a session, make sure you know how the Mistress would like you to prepare and how she expects you to conduct yourself before, during and after the session. These sorts of questions could be addressed during a preliminary telephone call.

Expect to have to pay for any time that a Mistress offers you, including telephone calls and email correspondence, unless otherwise agreed or it is contact that is strictly necessary to ensure a booking goes ahead.

Most if not all Mistresses do not want to receive casual correspondence or be asked questions to which the answers are obvious.

If you have done your research thoroughly, you should not need to ask obvious questions. A simple “thank you” post-session might be welcome but it is sensible to check before you leave your session if that is the case, or if they would like a testimonial for their website or social media.

May your search and discovery be fruitful!

In peace, love and kink,
Divine Theratrix.

About the Author

Divine Theratrix welcomes requests to talk about the process of seeking services and often acts as an introducer to other professionals. If you would like some help in finding a Mistress match, please get in touch with Divine Theratrix via the booking form on her website www.divinetheratrix.com

Whatever we’re into sexually, at some point we’re rejected for it. The question is: then what?

Do you react to rejection the same way you did as a frightened, heart-broken child, or do you chose a different response now you’re an emotionally mature adult?

Let me start by making something absolutely clear. Just because one or more women have rejected you in the past for being submissive, you are not wrong. You are not worthless. You are not a bad human being.

You are loveable.

You are valuable.

You definitely do not need to change anything about who you are, a submissive, or what you love, femdom.

Now that’s clear, what you might want to consider changing are:

1. How you talk to yourself
2. How you treat yourself
3. How you share yourself with others.

My aim is by the end of this article, you will see how rejection is one of the best things that can happen to you and potentially contains vast benefits. It can be a key turning point on your pathway to personal growth, sexual maturity, and having a relationship in which you are loved and accepted exactly as you are.

1. How do you talk to yourself?

Nobody in your life will talk to you more than you do. So how you speak to yourself really does matter. This includes both what you say and the tone you say it in, both out loud and inside your head.

Why? Because your thinking and self-talk literally shapes who you are. If you were spoken down to as a child, continue to do that to yourself now, and accept similar treatment from others, it is time for a radical change. This is no longer acceptable. You are now a mature adult and you can change how you talk to yourself and how you let others talk to you.

Take a moment to think about how you want people to speak to you, aside from your darling Domme. With respect? Kindness? Courtesy? Pick some key qualities you like and start talking to yourself that way right now. This is the way you deserve to be spoken to.

It might feel awkward at first. Don’t worry, think of it like learning a new language. We all fumble a bit at the beginning and the more you practice, the better you’ll get.

I invite you to try this experiment, if you're up for it?

For the next 7 days, stop using any negative words about yourself, not even in jest.

No more, “Oh, I’m such an idiot...” or “Why am I always so stupid...”.

Zero.

Not one negative word about yourself for the next 7 days either aloud or mentally. Why not give it a try? You’ll be amazed by how, when you model authentic, positive self-talk, other people will also improve the way they talk to you.

**Remember: you deserve to be spoken to with love and respect, even if you enjoy being verbally degraded.
**

2. How do you treat yourself?

What do you love about being a sub? I’m guessing part of it is lavishing your attention on your beloved. Are you aware that the amount you can give someone else is directly proportional to how much you have to give?

Think about it. If someone offered you two wine glasses, one empty and one full, which one would you take?

In order to be a happy, healthy human being and an appreciated submissive man, you need to treat yourself well before you start giving yourself to anyone else. You want your daily life to be constantly topping up your wine glass as much as possible.

Take out a pen and paper and make a list of at least 10 things that give you energy and make you feel juiced up.

This is really worth spending time on, because you are really worth spending time on. If you don’t have the time right now, come back when you do have an undisturbed 20 minutes. Once you’ve made your positive list, make an opposite list of 10 things that drain your energy and make you feel bad, such as being sexually rejected.

On your list, you’ll have general things, like eating your favourite food or working out. More importantly, make sure you also have your uniquely weird and wonderful wants on your list too. These are so important so be totally honest with yourself.

Ready for another experiment?

Every day this coming week, do at least one thing from your positive list. Watch how you feel treating yourself well and providing yourself with this higher level of care. If you find it difficult, see it as sub training so you can better serve your dom.

When something happens from your Debbie Downer list, make sure you do at least one joyful thing to counterbalance it as soon as possible.

You may not be in control of what happens to you, but you do get to choose how you respond. This is important as you’re a capable grown up man who can, and does, take care of himself.

These self-care habits quickly build into self-trust and you’ll start to feel really proud of yourself. I invite you to be a full wine glass so you can easily pour into the eager mouths of the women who want you.

Remember: you can be into femdom and self-care, be submissive and get your own needs met. These are not opposites. In fact, they are the foundational requirements of being a successful sub.

3. How do you share yourself with others?

Being submissive is such a gorgeous gift. As with any gift, it’s the other person’s choice what they do with it. However, it’s your choice who you give it to and how you select the recipient.

While subbing is clearly a source of great pleasure for you, the right people or person will always appreciate your fetish and reward you for sharing it with them.

You’ll know they’re right for you because you will feel respected and safe with them. Pay attention to what your instincts tell you about someone. If you feel uncomfortable or hesitant then that’s your body telling you they’re probably not the right person or now isn’t the best time.

You are the expert on you. Honour that.

One way to ensure you are appropriately appreciated is to know your boundaries before you interact with anyone else. You want to know you are loved and accepted for who you are before you’re whipped and degraded, right?

Here’s one more activity. Imagine you’re a restaurant. Write down your full sexual menu, all the intimate things you love doing, receiving, and giving.

Include everything from brushing her hair to being trampled on in boots or having cigarettes put out on your face.

Again, take the time to make a truly authentic menu that’s as unique as you are. Don’t include anything that doesn’t bring you joy or turn you on.

When you’re done, go through your menu and work out your “price” for each item. Your price is what you need to feel or experience in exchange for each item. For example, for the starter of “brushing her hair” you might only need to be attracted to her and to have spent at least ten minutes talking to her. For a main course, your price for being urinated on is to be in an exclusive relationship.

Include your sexual boundaries. Just as a vegan restaurant won’t serve meat, get clear about what you never serve. This will ensure you are only degraded and abused in ways that make you feel good. Don’t bankrupt your establishment by giving away free meals or allow women you know are wrong for you to dine there. If appropriate, delight your Domme by showing her your menu and letting her order à la carte.

Getting really clear about this before being with your partner(s) makes it so much easier to talk about these boundaries in person.

If in doubt, try phrases like, “If we do X, I want it to mean Y”.

There is no such thing as TMI when it comes to sharing wants and needs in a healthy sexual relationship, BDSM or vanilla. It creates greater intimacy and helps your Domme use and abuse you in more satisfying ways for both of you. The devil is in the details...

Finally, I can pretty much guarantee that nowhere on your menu does it say, “never tell anyone about my fetish” or “force her to receive a massage”.

Your menu is positive evidence that you are clear about what you want. Be proud of yourself for writing it and for making yourself a far more attractive sub. Trust me, emotional maturity and sexual literacy are incredibly sexy qualities, and prerequisites for any subs I play with personally.

Remember: be discerning about what you choose to serve and to whom, and what you choose not to serve. Only cater to your ideal clientele.

In Conclusion

Here’s your choice: be rejected and have a pity party for one, or, embrace this opportunity for change and level up these three key areas of your life.

If you haven’t already, I strongly encourage you to do the three activities. The more you practice them the more you will trust yourself.

Your new-found inner confidence will help:

• turn down the volume on other people’s opinions
• stop making all sexual interactions feel like performance reviews
• attract the right women who appreciate you and your fetish gift
• create deeper, more intimate connections with your Domme
• improve edge play with your newly-clarified boundaries.

Lastly, if you are rejected again, you’ll know it’s a sign that she’s not the right person for your or that the timing is off. It won’t “mean” anything about who you are or what you’re worth. Forget the wine glass, you’ll be the overflowing bottle of bubbly we’re all fighting over!

I believe in you and I have total faith that you can starting to make better choices from now on. Try the activities and upgrade your sub skills. It will rock your femdom world beyond your wildest wet dreams.

About The Author

If you’ve enjoyed this article and want to learn more, I encourage you to get in touch. I am an Intimacy Coach and offer Sexhale counselling sessions for any issue that is impacting your sex life.

As you can probably tell, I’m not your mainstream therapist. I’m an alpha submissive switch, currently enjoying a dom and two very lovely, submissive men.

In my professional practice, I welcome all sexual preferences and identities including femdom, from very vanilla to kinky AF. A good counsellor or femdom-friendly therapist can make a truly life-changing difference and definitely belongs on self-care list in no. 2.

I’m offering all Femdomist readers a special half-price, introductory Femdom counselling session.
Book Now

This isn’t available anywhere else as it’s exclusively for you guys! You can learn more about Sexhale sessions here and about my work in general here.

What could be better than eating a piece of chocolate every morning during the countdown to Christmas?

How about an advent calendar full of sex toys!

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There is often a massive disconnect between a man’s fantasies about Femdom and the reality. Unsurprisingly, being in a relationship with a dominant woman is nothing like what is depicted in porn – which comes as a surprise to many men.

Without further ado, here are the top six misconceptions about Femdom. These apply to long-term engagements, such as female-led-relationships (FLRs) and not too casual encounters, like those with Pro Domme's which are closer to what you see in porn.

1. It’s Not All About Sex

I know it’s challenging to find a high-quality dominant woman – but choosing a woman purely on the fact that you both share the same sexual fantasies is a bad idea. You might have plenty of wild sexual experiences to begin with, but if you want to build something meaningful that lasts then you need to find someone who you connect with outside of femdom and sex. It’s no different than building a vanilla relationship.

Your goal should be to find a quality partner who shares similar life goals with you, who you can hang out with and have fun together without the need for sex.

A good relationship is about much more than sex; it’s about helping each other to grow as individuals, supporting each other and taking care of each other's emotional needs.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having a lot of great sexual experiences together, but relationships in real-life are not about having sex 24/7.

Pleasing your dominant partner will also consist of many non-sexual day-to-day things, like cooking, doing the laundry, giving her massages or little things like sending her a message first thing each morning when you wake up.

A large part of femdom for me is psychological, and you can only achieve that by building a connection over time. It’s hard work, and it takes a lot of trust and care to create.

2. It’s Nothing Like Degrading Femdom Porn

If your femdom fantasies consist mostly of a cruel, ice queen degrading you and treating you like shit, then you may be hugely disappointed by the reality of Femdom.

Yes, your partner can certainly play this role at times, but she is never going to genuinely hate you and treat you with contempt (at least, you hope not!). The reality of Femdom porn and real-life Femdom are worlds apart.

There’s nothing wrong with humiliation play as long as you’re coming from a positive place of self-love. If you want to be degraded by women because you feel utterly worthless, then you probably shouldn’t be engaging in Femdom until you’ve ironed out your self-esteem issues.

Submitting to your partner should come from a positive place of love and acceptance, not hated and contempt. No woman on this planet who hates you is going to indulge you in your most intimate fantasies. Unless you’re paying her, of course.

3. It’s Not All About Your Fetishes

One of the significant problems with Femdom porn, in my opinion, is that it’s centred around the man’s kinks. Even though the Domme may look like a cruel, heartless bitch yelling insults while she’s jacking off the submissive, rest assured – she’s not doing it for her own pleasure.

Unlike porn, real-life FLRs are not just about your needs. It’s important to understand your partner's needs but also give consideration to your own. Denying your needs and proclaiming that you have no limits and you’ll do anything to please a woman at the sacrifice of your own needs is total bullshit.

If you were sacrificing your own needs, you wouldn’t need a dominant woman in the first place.

Woman see straight through this crap too. There is nothing wrong with having your own needs and being honest about what you want. Women are attracted to men who have goals and desires in life.

A good woman, dominant or not will still want to make you happy, too.

4. Some Femdom Fantasies are Better Left as That

It may be the case that some of the fantasies you find pleasurable in your head are very different in real life.

Cuckolding porn has surged in popularity recently, and while it may seem hot to think about random dominant women cuckolding you, do you really want the woman you love to be sleeping with other men? You need to be pretty sure before you do something like this because recklessly indulging in fantasies like this can damage your relationship.

I love fantasying about being trampled, but trampling can be very uncomfortable and painful. Public humiliation didn't turn out to be anywhere near as enjoyable as my fantasies, and the thought of licking a woman’s dirty feet clean is hot AF to me too, but I won't do it for real because I don’t want to get sick from consuming nasty dirt and bacteria.

Many men love the idea of a woman putting them in chastity (and many do enjoy the reality), but the fantasy doesn't live up to the reality for everyone.

For me personally, if I don't have regular orgasms, then I get incredibly frustrated, and it begins to interfere with my day-to-day life. I can't sleep properly, I can't focus on work and my athletic performance suffers.

Another thing to consider is that if you and your partner are planning on having kids, maybe you should go easy on the ball-busting until then ;-)

5. Women Aren’t Dominant All The Time

Men seem to hold this idea that a Domme needs to be dominant in every area of her life and exert her authority at ALL times.

Being dominant in a relationship or even a scene is a tonne of hard work. (Don’t believe me? Try switching for an evening to see how difficult it is). It’s not like being a submissive where you can lie back and take orders. Being in control is tiring, and sometimes your partner may want to sit back, relax and let you take the lead for a change.

This doesn’t make her any less of domme, the same way you’re no less of a submissive because you don’t feel submissive 24/7 in every area of your life.

In porn or random encounters with Pro Dommes, the reality of those individuals is often hidden from you. When you’re engaged in something more long-term, then you’re going to see other sides to your partner.

Sometimes she will be having a bad day, she may feel down, lost, or maybe her boss is giving her a hard time at work. This doesn’t somehow make her less dominant; she’s human – just like you.

6. Men Are Desirable Too

Another massive misconception about Femdom (again, – perpetuated by porn. Pesky femdom porn!) is that men are ugly, worthless pieces of shit that must grovel at the feet of a woman.

Real dominant women don’t want pathetic losers, they want an attractive man. It’s your job to present the best version of yourself that you possibly can.

Crawling around the floor on your knees in a dog collar may not seem attractive to you, but if you’re well groomed, in good shape and exude confidence in your behaviour, then your partner will find this incredibly hot and attractive.

Find out what your partner likes and then aim to become that to please her. If she likes a well-toned athletic body, then you should be hitting the gym every day.

Be sure to share your own experiences with Femdom and whether the reality lived up to your fantasies in the comments below. 👇

Let’s face it; who doesn’t love watching femdom porn? Whether you’re single and using it to satisfy your desires, or you’re in a relationship and indulge in a bit of porn when you don’t have the energy to play, we all love it. Unless your Mistress doesn’t permit you to watch it of course ;)

Although you may experience incredible pleasure from watching femdom porn, is it healthy for you? Is femdom porn addiction a thing? Could it be damaging your relationships with women and maybe even causing damage to your brain? Ever considered how it affects the women behind the camera?

The research on whether porn is good or bad for you is still a grey area, and the information I’m about to present to you is not conclusive. I may even sound anti-porn in parts (I’m not – I regularly indulge in femdom porn), but I want to make you aware of some of the potential problems associated with consuming femdom porn.

Like most things in life, if used responsibly and in moderation then you probably won’t experience any adverse effects, but if you over-do it then you may discover some less than favourable side effects.

Your Brain on Porn

Studies have shown that frequent use of porn can alter the function and activity in some regions of your brain. In 2013, The Guardian reported that a Cambridge University neuropsychiatrist discovered that porn addicts developed similar changes in areas of their brain as drug addicts.

Source: Conquer Series

Like any pleasurable activity, watching porn triggers the release of dopamine into the reward centre of your brain. The purpose of the reward centre is to make you feel good when you do something healthy, like eating a healthy meal or lifting weights at the gym.

The reward centre can also be activated when you indulge in activities that make you feel good but are harmful to your health – like alcohol or drugs.

When your brain releases dopamine, it also releases a protein called DeltaFosB. DeltaFosB’s job is to create new pathways in your brain that connect the activity that you’re doing with the pleasurable feeling, which can form the foundation of either healthy habits or addictions.

In short, porn can literally re-wire your brain!

Femdom Porn Addiction: It Feels Good, So What’s The Problem?

Like any activity, indulging in moderation is unlikely to cause you problems, but excessive use of porn and creating these new neural pathways in your brain can quickly lead to porn addiction.

Based on the accounts I’ve read online from countless men, my opinion is that the likelihood of becoming addicted to femdom porn may be much higher than regular porn due to the inaccessibility of real-life femdom experiences in comparison to normal sex (for many guys). Especially younger men who also suffer from self-esteem issues relating to their kinks and who don’t pursue real-life experiences.

A study by Case Western Reverse University in Cleveland suggested a direct link between porn addiction and depression and anxiety. This doesn’t suggest that porn itself causes these problems, but addiction to porn and the user’s feelings about their addiction can lead to mental health issues.

When men feel lonely or depressed, they may turn to porn and masturbation to medicate. If this leads to addiction and amplifies feelings of depression, you can see how this can turn into an incredibly destructive cycle.

Femdom Porn Vrs Reality

One of the significant issues with porn is that creates a poor representation of reality. This isn’t so much of a problem for users who are aware of this but ask any female Domme about her interactions with submissive men online and you’ll quickly learn that most men seem to believe that femdom porn paints an accurate picture of real-life.

You know the videos; the man grovels like a worthless worm, and the woman treats him with complete contempt, beating him and humiliating him as if she hates him, but then jerks him off at the end.

Men then to seek out these interactions in real-life with dominant women. They send grovelling pleas to women online, declaring their worthlessness and begging for an opportunity to serve them because this is what they have witnessed in porn.

Hello Miss...may i please you in some way? I was just left plugged, edged and denied with a play partner for 2 hours, and am really desperate... could we chat / cam / anything?

They lose all sense of reason and fail to understand that these kind of interactions are impossible. No woman who genuinely hates a man is going to indulge him in the sexual pleasure he craves.

That’s not to say you can’t re-create many of your favourite femdom fantasies in real-life with your partner, but you must realise that women want to be treated as human beings, and not objectified like you have seen in porn.

This is where I believe femdom porn becomes incredibly problematic and creates enormous obstacles for men searching for a woman to share their fantasies. Their approach to contacting women is disrespectful, inappropriate and objectifying, so they continually get rejected, and this then perpetuates the cycle of loneliness and porn addiction.

This is not unique to femdom porn either. Dick pic anyone?

Men establishing beliefs on how women want to be treated based on what they have seen in porn is no surprise when you learn that almost 50% of men in a Reddit survey admitted that they have never had sexual intercourse and their only sexual experiences were with porn.

You can quickly begin to understand now why this problem of how men treat women as sexual objects is so prevalent.

Femdom Porn & Escalating Fetishes

One of the primary issues with addiction is tolerance and the decreasing intensity of pleasure. The more a user a indulges in an activity, the less effect it has on them.

For occasional porn users who are receiving their fill of real-life experiences, this isn’t going to be a huge problem, but if you’re fapping off to femdom porn for hours every single day, you may notice that you become less and less satisfied with the porn that you consume.

Like the heroin addict, they probably didn’t start with heroin, they began with softer drugs and gradually moved onto harder choices to chase the original high that had been lost.

If you’ve been consuming femdom porn for any length of time on a regular basis, you may have noticed that your original penchant for mild bondage led you down a path to increasingly more unusual tastes, perhaps even to activities that you once felt repulsed by or that seem to conflict with your morals or sexual orientation.

In a 2012 Reddit survey of 1,500 young adult men, 56% said their tastes in porn had become “increasingly extreme or deviant.”

This is called the Coolidge effect, in which you seek new and exciting sexual endeavours (or partners) to obtain that initial pleasure rush you experienced with your first sexual thrills.

So, when spanking porn no longer does it for you, you crave something new and exciting to give you the same pleasure. Over time, you begin to seek more extreme or deviant porn to get you off, and this can lead you down a strange path.

There’s nothing wrong with opening your mind to new things, but if your shoe fetish has somehow turned into a craving for forced bi or cuckolding and it makes you feel ashamed and uncomfortable after you’ve whacked off, then you may be experiencing the Coolidge effect.

This problem isn't exclusive to submissive men either; one study found that people exposed to significant volumes of porn began to think that sex with animals was more acceptable.. WTF?

Another study found that porn users tastes changed so much that they could no longer achieve sexual arousal with their partners, but they could still get excited when watching porn.

I’ve experienced the Coolidge effect in my own life. My first fetish was feet – which I’ve had since I was a child and which developed without any outside influence. It wasn’t until I discovered the internet that I learned about femdom and my palette for sexual activities became much more diverse.

I don’t believe developing a love for femdom is a bad thing at all, but I’ve definitely found myself watching some bizzare porn at times that has questioned my boundaries.

Femdom Porn and Your Relationships

Addiction, false expectations of reality, jacking off to shameful activities and treating women like fetish dispensers are not activities that form the foundation of any healthy relationship.

In 2002, The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers discovered that 56% of divorces involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”

I honestly believe that over-consumption of femdom porn is the reason why so many submissive men fail to find the relationships they are searching for. Their expectations of what women are looking for is so far off the mark that they have absolutely no idea how to interact with women.

When they do find a relationship, they learn that sex doesn't always live up to what they’ve seen in porn. This warped sense of reality can lead to problems with attraction, arousal and sexual performance.

Femdom porn also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on women to live up to the expectations their partners have learned from consuming femdom porn. Men may be shocked to learn that sex in real-life isn’t always going to involve corset-clad women in 8” stiletto boots, in a fully-equipped dungeon.

Abuse of Women in the Porn Industry

Over 70% of porn consumption is by men, and that probably comes as no surprise. Porn is very degrading and humiliating to women, but what’s more worrying is the degree of exploitation and abuse of women in the porn industry.

After analysing top-selling porn content, a report found that 88% of scenes contained physical aggression towards women and 49% contained scenes of verbal aggression.

That’s not to mention the countless stories about sex trafficking, underage girls, issues with consent, rape and the transmission of STDs.

These issues often lead to depression and substance abuse in women and 2008 study reported that at least 39 porn stars have committed suicide since 1970.

You may argue that women sign up for this career through their own choice, but they certainly don’t sign up to being abused. I’m not suggesting that all porn producers are evil, there are those that treat women with respect but it’s certainly not the case across the board.

All this goes against the very nature of femdom, which is about empowering and worshipping women.

But It’s the MEN who get abused in Femdom porn!

Femdom porn is slightly more ethical in that the women are not being degraded on screen, but that’s not to say that the treatment of these women off-camera is always fair.

You must also appreciate that even though these women are portrayed as Goddesses ruling over men, they are still working in an industry that objectifies women and caters to male desires.

That’s not to say that all femdom porn is evil. There is some excellent femdom porn out there featuring passionate Dominatrixes who love what they do and who work with respectful men. There is even a whole genre of feminist porn that caters for those with more vanilla tastes.

If you want to enjoy femdom porn in a way that respects and empowers women, then buy clips from amateur stores run by women. Amateur producers are much less likely to be abusing themselves or other women, and by paying for their clips, you are supporting them. There are endless amounts of women on Clips4Sale running their own femdom clip stores.

If you do choose to watch movies from big production companies, then do a little research first and make sure there are no horror stories about them mistreating women behind the scenes.

The Benefits of Femdom Porn

Woah! We’ve uncovered a lot of negatives about femdom porn and porn in general in this article, but there some positives to watching porn.

1. It’s Pleasurable

The reason you watch it in the first place is that it brings you enjoyment. It can also be a great stress relief to escape into your fantasies for a while and give yourself some much-needed self-pleasure.

2.It Can Benefit Your Relationship

Watching porn with your partner can be a great way to spice up your relationship or get you in the mood for a hot and steamy femdom session. You can use it to discover new kinks or scenarios that you would like to try. It can also be a great way to communicate your desires to your partner, especially if you find it difficult to ask for what you want.

3.Sexual Self-Exploration

It’s difficult to know what you’re interested in if you’ve never experienced anything outside the vanilla norms. Pornography can enlighten you to new kinks and ideas that you might never have discovered on your own. You can then take these new fantasies into your relationships and enjoy a whole new world of sexual pleasure.

Conclusion

While there is no conclusive evidence for either side of the argument on whether porn is good or bad for us, I'm of the opinion that when used in moderation then femdom porn can be a positive addition to your sex life. Like anything, too much of anything can lead to problems.

One thing I would like you to give further thought to is how women are treated in the porn industry. It's easy for men to overlook the problems women experience through ignorance, but there are real issues with the abuse of women in this industry, and we're all about empowering women, not abusing them.

Now, go watch some porn!

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Have you told your new girlfriend about your love for Femdom? Telling your partner about your fetish can one of the biggest conundrums you'll ever face. For some, it’s terrifying and the fear of rejection is very real.

Telling your partner doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, it can and SHOULD be a fun experience for both of you. When you do finally bite the bullet, a whole new world of incredible sexual experiences will open itself up to you!

Disclaimer: the following advice should only be applied in the early-stages of dating, if you have been together for some time, then it's best to just have an honest and open conversation about what you're into it.

However, in the early-stages of dating being open and direct about your kinks is likely to blow up in your face unless handled correctly and you need to tread carefully. The tactics below will help you reduce the risk of being rejected by gradually testing the water with a partner before you reveal your darkest desires.

When Should You Tell Your Partner?

Your first question might be “should I tell my partner?” and the answer is obviously yes. You are deserving of the experiences that you desire and your partner deserves to know the real you also.

So, should you tell them on the first date or wait until after you are married?

It infuriates me when I see guys asking for advice on how to tell their girlfriend or wife about their fetish, months or even years into the relationship.

This kind of behaviour is incredibly selfish, and it’s not fair to suddenly spring this on your partner years down the road. Even if she is completely accepting of your fetish, she’s going to be angry at you for keeping it from her because you didn’t trust her or believed that she would reject you.

You need to get this out in the open as soon as possible so you can determine if you two are compatible as a couple. Why would you want to waste months or years of your life dating someone who will never accept your fetish or give you what you want?

You want to find out as early as possible before you have invested any of your emotions into a partner, whether or not you two are sexually compatible. In the case that you aren’t, you can leave and find someone else more suited to you without causing too much turmoil to either party.

I personally start testing a woman’s openness to BDSM from the second or third conversation with her. You don’t need to go all in and spill your entire sex life to her right away, but you should be probing for signs that she’s compatible.

This is really easy to without putting yourself at risk of rejection. Here are some examples that I use:

Her: “I’m broke/I can’t afford it/I hate my job.”

You: “Have you considered becoming a Findomme?”

She’ll then likely ask you what a Findomme is, and you can explain that it’s a financial dominatrix – a woman who men worship and give their money to.

If she is horrified, then you can just move onto something else and just play it down as a joke. Many women, however, will be interested in this unique proposition and be open to a conversation about it, and you can then easily steer the conversation to femdom to get her thoughts on the subject without revealing anything about your own desires.

Her: “Seen any good films recently?”

You: “I think the new 50 Shades of Grey would be right up your street ;)”

50 Shades of Grey is the best thing to ever happen to us kinksters. It’s a shit movie, but almost every woman has seen it or at least heard of it, so it’s a ridiculously easy way to start a conversation about BDSM.

Her: “I love ketchup with pizza.”

You: “I have a ketchup fetish too, what other kinky shit are you into?”

You can use this one in response to basically anything she says that’s even slightly unusual.

If the subject of sex comes up, you could also ask her “What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?” When she asks you, you can say something like:

“I visited a dominatrix once, and I couldn’t sit down for a week.”

or

“I once started in a Fetish porn movie.”

Ideally, you should have some interesting kinky stories to tell her. Even if you don’t, you can just say these things as a joke to gauge her reaction. If she’s horrified you just tell her that you’re joking. If she seems interested, then you can reveal more.

The trick is to just be spontaneous and creative in mentioning BDSM to start a conversation and gauge her response. You’ll quickly be able to tell if she’s open to it or not. If she isn’t then you just move on to something else. The best part of this strategy is you never have to put your own feelings on the line until you know that it’s safe to do so.

If she responds well to some of your kinky conversations, then you’ll feel much more comfortable revealing your kinks to her.

How to Tell Her about Your Fetish

So you’ve had a few interesting kinky discussions with her, and she’s responded well, maybe she’s even told you some kinky stories of her own! You’ve decided that now is an excellent time to go ahead and reveal your fantasies to her.

This is where many guys screw up. They sit her down for a serious discussion and reveal their darkest secrets. They turn it into a big deal and say things that send her running for the hills.

“I really like to be dominated, I’ve never told anyone before because I’ve been too ashamed.”

“I like to be dominated by women, I’m sorry – I know that probably sounds really weird.”

“I like to be dominated by women, please don’t think I’m weird.”

They come across as weak and lacking in confidence. Apologising for being who you are or saying you’re ashamed of yourself will scare women off because you’re communicating that there is something wrong with you because of your fetish.

The most important thing when revealing your fetish is that you deliver the news with confidence. You need to be proud of the fact that you have a fetish, and maybe even a little cocky about it. Women like confidence and if they’re going to engage with you sexually – they want it to be fun. They don’t want to be your therapist.

This is what I usually do:

I tell her that I have a fetish, but I don’t say what it is. I’ll tell her that she has a week to figure it out and guess. If she guesses correctly, I’ll come clean and tell her.

This turns it into a fun game for both her and I. It makes her interested in finding out, and it also provides more opportunities to test her thoughts about certain kinks. During the week, I can say things like:

“OK, time to come clean – I love golden showers.”

I can gauge her reaction, then tell her I’m joking. She will usually also throw loads of suggestions at me, which also lets me determine how she feels about those topics.

The key here is to keep it playful and fun. She will enjoy the process of trying to figure it out, and if she guesses correctly, she’ll be pleased with herself for getting it right.

At this point, she’ll either be uninterested or keen to find out more. She may ask you lots of questions, to which you will provide confident, playful answers.

Don’t worry if she’s not completely into initially, I’ve been with women who were 100% against my fetish in the beginning but came round eventually. If she likes you, then she’ll work towards at least giving it a try – just don’t be pushy or make demands on her. Let her come round to the idea at her own pace.

Now, if she’s super-interested she’s going to want to find out more. You may or may not be comfortable openly talking about your fantasies with her. If you are, then great. If you’re a little shy then perhaps you should do this over the phone or text message.

She will most likely do her own research online, so if she isn't full of questions initially, then give it a few days and she may come back to you with some. You can also send her photos, videos or stories that communicate what you’re into. Be creative and keep it playful.

Remember, it's important you don't launch straight into this without doing the prep work to determine if she's open to BDSM. If you've done your homework, then revealing your kinks to her is much less risky.

On the off chance that she reacts badly or she rejects you, DON'T freak out. Maintain a strong frame and don't let it affect you. Never, under any circumstances apologise for being who you are. If she's not into it, just change the subject. If she's rude or disrespectful, just walk away and find someone who accepts you.

What is She Into?

Of course, your relationship with a woman isn’t all about you, and you should be making an effort to find out what she’s into too. You could play the same one-week guessing game with her to try and work out what she likes in the bedroom.

I'd recommend sitting down with her and working your way through this BDSM checklist. It's a fun exercise that will let you both figure out things you'd like to try in the bedroom.

Or, you could invite her for a game of Femdomopoly and let chance decide ;-)

Confidence is a Muscle

The more you practice talking to women about your fetish, the more confidence you will develop and the easier it will become to deal with these situations.

I used to be terrified of talking to women about my fetishes, but now I love it! I’ve gained a lot of experience from dating dominant women, shooting femdom videos, visiting Fetish clubs and Pro Dommes. I have lots of exciting experiences that I love talking about.

I love chatting with new women and learning about their kinks, and I talk about my own with confidence and pride, maybe even a little cockiness because I’m proud of being my kinky self.

Have fun!

To all the submissive guys posting heartbreaking stories online about being rejected when they told the girl they like that they have a fetish for Femdom:

You are an awesome human being. There is nothing wrong with you and being submissive is OK.

I see these posts on Reddit almost every day. Guy tells girl he is submissive and then girl rejects him and/or says some cruel things. Guy feels broken and hopeless about ever finding someone to accept and love him.

These situations stir up all kinds of traumatic emotions, especially for younger guys who don't fully understand their sexual desires or have the confidence to deal with these situations.

The critical thing to realise is that all the negative emotions you are feeling are coming from within you, not from another person. You are feeling this way because your thoughts about yourself are flawed. The good news is, you can fix these negative thoughts and never feel rejected, worthless or hopeless again.

The solution is a healthy dose of self-love.

Self-Love?

I know what you're thinking.

"This sounds like a load of new-age hippy rubbish!"

Let me explain.

Self-love is simply treating yourself with the same kindness, compassion and respect that you treat others with.

If your best friend told you that they love Femdom, would you tell them that they are a worthless piece of shit and no woman will ever love them because they are weird?

No? So why do you tell yourself this crap?

Self-love is about accepting yourself fully, putting yourself first and treating yourself with respect.

Self-love is:

• eating clean, healthy food
• exercising and looking after your body
• educating yourself
• wearing nice clothes
• treating yourself often
• valuing your time
• using positive self-talk
• surrounding yourself with people who care about you
• avoiding negative behaviours, people and things

You Must Accept Yourself

If you're feeling rejected, then you probably don't accept yourself for who you are. When someone rejects you, and you lack self-love, it brings to the surface the negative feelings you have towards YOURSELF.

When you accept and love yourself, you understand that the only person who needs to accept and love you is YOU.

Accepting yourself means that you embrace every part of you, including your fetishes and you don't give yourself a hard time for being "different".

Your fetish is a gift – people who realise this are fiercely grateful for this gift because it brings them incredible amounts of pleasure that most people will never experience. Getting your fix and indulging in your fetish is a high more intense than any drug – it’s amazing! Why would you want to remove or “get over” such a thing?

When you learn this important lesson and not only accept your fetish but EMBRACE it, you’ll never feel bad about your sexuality again, even if someone else rejects you because of it.

Setting Boundaries

The way you treat yourself determines how other people will treat you. If you don't accept yourself and you treat yourself poorly, this communicates to other people "Hey, if you mistreat me it's OK because I have no standards for how I want to be treated."

When you accept yourself and treat yourself well, you will never tolerate anything less from other people. If you wholeheartedly accept your fetish, why would you spend any of your time with someone else who didn't accept that part of you?

I see endless accounts from submissive men who are in long-term relationships or marriages and their partner has absolutely no idea that they are submissive.

These guys have such little self-worth that they believe it's OK to go through life without ever exploring the gift of their fetish and having their needs met because they believe they don't deserve the best for themselves.

A self-loving individual realises the importance of having their needs met. They would never find themselves in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept them.

You deserve to be pissed on, slapped in the face, trampled and called all the names that make your dick happy.

How to Handle Rejection from Women

When you practice self-love, your interactions with people will change. People treat others in a similar way to how they treat themselves. When you treat yourself with kindness, compassion and respect, you will treat others in the same way.

If someone rejects you because you're submissive, it won't bother you because you don't need their acceptance.

You won't be on Reddit looking for answers and trying to deal with the pain and hopelessness you're feeling inside.

You should always be upfront with women about your fetishes early on. Never get yourself into a situation where you are months into a relationship, and now you're worried about how you're going to tell her.

Remember, how you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you. If you talk about your sexuality in a confident, self-accepting way, then women will usually respond positively. It's when you view yourself as weird, and you're apologetic about your fetish that women respond poorly. They will treat you the same way you treat yourself.

Sometimes a woman will just not be into your fetish, and she'll politely explain that to you. In which case you can gracefully respond:

"No problem, I appreciate your honesty" and then change the subject.

You have no reason to feel rejected because someone else has different interests to you. You don't need anyone to accept your fetish because YOU accept it and that's all that matters.

Now, what happens if a woman belittles you or says something mean or upsetting?

Remember I said that people treat others the same way they treat themselves? When someone puts you down, it’s because of their own insecurities about themselves, it has nothing to do with who you are. A person with high self-esteem doesn’t need to put others down to make themselves feel better.

If someone says something mean about your fetish, you can just respond:

"I'm sorry that you feel you have to hurt other people because they're different to you."

Then walk away.

If someone does not accept you for who you are, you must always walk away. When you accept and love yourself, you cannot tolerate anything less from other people.

Does self-love sound very selfish to you? That's because it is, but there are two kinds of selfishness.

1. Treating yourself well and treating others the same
2. Mistreating others for your own self-gain

Number one is perfectly healthy. You cannot give love to another person unless you first love yourself. You must fill up your own cup before you can give to another. You must set high standards for how you treat yourself before you can treat other people with these same standards.

Femdom & Self-Love

Femdom by nature goes hand in hand with self-worth issues, and it can be quite a destructive fetish if not handled properly.

If you have self-esteem issues then indulging in Femdom (especially activities like verbal humiliation) is probably a bad idea. You should always feel GOOD about your fetish, and it should never damage your self-esteem.

You should always be engaging in these activities from a place of self-love and self-respect. Otherwise, you may cause yourself psychological damage.

I believe there are a lot of reckless behaviours in the community and people do not play safe. The findom (financial domination) community has exploded in size recently, and I don't believe it's because there are so many people with findom fetishes.

Many guys use findom as a gateway to getting attention from women. They don't believe they are worthy of having a partner who loves them and who will give them the sexual gratification they need, so they resort to paying for scraps of attention from women online. Women who often have no knowledge or awareness of safety in BDSM and are are taking advantage of and abusing guys with low self-esteem.

This is just my opinion, and I realise that not all findom interactions are like this.

It's essential that you are practising self-love before you engage in any interaction that has the power to affect your self-esteem or make you feel bad about yourself. Verbal humiliation is exciting as long as you don't really believe that you're a worthless piece of shit.

The Abundance Mentality

There is never any point in trying to talk a woman into accepting you. If she can't accept you for who you are, move onto the next one.

A lot of submissive guys are operating from a scarcity mindset and believe that finding a suitable partner for their sexuality is incredibly difficult. This causes them to behave in desperate ways, clinging on to women who show any interest in them.

You might think that you need to find the ultra-rare uber-dominant woman who has a tonne of experience with Femdom but this is not the case. The truth is, ANY open-minded woman who cares about you will be more than happy to indulge you sexually.

If your girlfriend told you that she loves to be spanked. Even if it wasn’t your thing – wouldn’t you be delighted to give her such a gift?

There are lots of dominant women in the world, there are even more women with their own kinks, and there are even more women who will love you and give you what you need. You don't need to settle for someone who half-heartedly accepts you, or worse – who doesn't care about your needs.

When you combine self-love with an abundance mentality, you will never again feel rejected or hopeless because one woman didn't accept you for being submissive. You can simply go and find another woman who will.

Never beat yourself up because another person failed to accept you, and never talk to yourself in a destructive manner.

You deserve the best.

The Femdom Relationship guide is a real account of Caroline Peel's marriage transitioning from a vanilla relationship into a female-led relationship.

Caroline spent several years with her husband, Jack, with no knowledge of his submissive nature or his love for Femdom. Eventually, his itch to be dominated drove him to visit a Pro-Domme regularly. His wife found out about this, and their marriage fell apart. Determined to keep the man she loved, Caroline decided that she would become Jack's Mistress and create the female-led relationship that he couldn't live without.

Despite the struggles at the beginning of the book, it's a heart-warming account of a woman's love for her husband and the lengths that she went to to make him happy and to make her relationship work.

The book is packed full of stories, tips and useful information for both men and women interested in Femdom. If your man has recently told you that he has deep desires to be dominated, then this is a must-read.

Guys, if you'd just like to learn about what a successful Femdom relationship looks like, or you need some reassurance that there are some incredible woman out there who will go to great lengths to love you and support your love for female domination, then give this a read!

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Get It Now

Your favourite childhood Disney movies probably taught you that the way to a woman's heart is to become her knight in shining armour, do everything for her and please her in every way possible.

The reality, as most guys learn in high school, is that this approach doesn't work. The nice submissive guy never becomes more than a friend to women and ends up listening to all the relationship problems that she's having with her boyfriend.

The Disney scenario is not unique to submissive men interested in Femdom, a lot of vanilla men are like this and exhibit submissive behaviours around women. However, the Femdom-loving submissive does often have a harder time finding a relationship.

So, why does the submissive guy struggle to get the girl? To answer this question, we have to understand how female attraction works.

Male Vrs Female Attraction

Men are logical, visceral beings – they see a beautiful woman walking down the sidewalk, and they instantly feel attraction for her based on her looks.

Women experience attraction differently to men – they don't feel instant attraction based on a man's appearance. It's still important to dress well and take care of your grooming, but you can't depend on this exclusively for women to find you attractive.

Female attraction is centred around behaviour. It's how you act around a woman that will cause her to feel attracted to you. Many guys don't understand this, and they behave badly around women and fail to spark any feelings of attraction.

Alpha Vrs Beta Males

We've all heard about alpha and beta males, especially in the BDSM community. While I don't believe men can be separated into two distinct categories, I'm going to stick with these terms; I see a common theme of submissive guys comparing themselves to the alpha male stereotype to make themselves feel and appear like less of a man.

We've all encountered the dominant, aggressive male that sleeps with seven women every week and mistreats them all. This is what most people would call an alpha male.

The problem with this stereotype is that he's exhibiting beta behaviours. The alpha male doesn't need to put other people down to boost his self-esteem. Nor does he indulge in approval or power seeking because he doesn't have time for it – he's too busy working on himself and his goals.

The alpha male is simply a confident, self-assured man who is passionately focused on fulfiling his purpose in life. He isn't sleeping with hoards of women every week to boost his self-esteem because he doesn't need that kind of validation.

The alpha male isn't the aggressive steroid user who bumped into you at the bar last night. The alpha male is the rockstar, the athlete, the entrepreneur, the artist, the poet. The man with passion who has the confidence to pursue his dreams and whose focus isn't exclusively on pursuing women.

It's this confident behaviour that causes a woman to feel attraction for a man and knowing that he has the strength to tackle anything that life throws at him.

Men who have no purpose or interests in their life end up idolising women because they have nothing else to focus on, and this makes women feel uncomfortable and kills attraction.

Women are turned off by a man who does everything for her because he's only doing it to seek her approval. He lacks the confidence in himself to believe that she will be interested in him as a person, so he tries to make her love him because of his gifts and good deeds.

A confident, self-assured man who respects himself won't behave like this. He won't do everything for a woman because he doesn't need to win her approval. He will challenge her when she's wrong or when he doesn't share her opinion because he's not afraid of disagreeing with her.

Confidence Is Not Just For Women

It's not just women who seek these qualities; confident men are also looking for these traits in women. Especially men who are seeking confident, dominant women to take control in the bedroom.

The reason women more apparently seek these qualities is that they have a better advantage in the dating game than men. A man will date a woman who has little confidence and no passion or interests in life because his options are limited or he's desperate. A woman has more options and doesn't have to settle for a dull man who doesn't stimulate her emotionally.

The alpha male, who is exciting and full of passion and knowledge needs a woman who can match him emotionally and mentally and provide the stimulation he requires.

Does The Alpha Submissive Male Exists?

By now you should understand the dynamics of attraction and realise that the alpha and beta stereotypes are wholly inaccurate.

The big question is: can the attractive alpha also be a submissive male? The answer is: of course, he can. In fact, many submissive men are incredibly confident, dominant men in high powered positions.

A man does not need to be sexually dominant and aggressive to be an alpha male. However, he must be self-assured and confident in his submissive sexuality.

Embracing your submissive desires and having the nerve to submit to a woman requires tremendous strength and confidence. It is not the behaviour of a weak beta male.

While there are a lot of genuine beta males in the BDSM community, the idea that every submissive man is a beta is a false notion, usually perpetuated by humiliation play.

How To Be an Attractive Submissive Male

So, how does the submissive get the girl?

There is a paradox: many activities that take place inside a Femdom relationship are precisely what you should not do: run around after a doing everything to please her.

You can be the most pathetic, needy, service-orientated loser on the planet within the context of Femdom; the problem occurs when a man combines this with other off-putting behaviours like approval-seeking, low confidence and a lack of his own identity or purpose in life.

Being submissive is not an excuse for having low confidence or having no direction in your life. Whether you are submissive or vanilla, you should always be seeking to become the best version of yourself, which in turn will help you to attract women.

You should:

1 Discover your passion in life and pursue it with focus, drive and enthusiasm.

2 Always be working on yourself and improving yourself at every opportunity.

3 Have your own opinions and beliefs and don't change them to win approval from others.

4 Embrace your submissive side and explore it with courage and confidence.

5 Don't be afraid to disagree with a woman or challenge her when she's wrong.

6 Stand up for yourself and never be anyone's doormat.

Do Women Find Submissive Men Attractive?

Every woman and relationship is different, and some women just will not be into your submissive desires. The extent of your submissiveness will also influence a woman's decision to choose you as a partner.

If Femdom is more of a bedroom activity for you, the chances of attracting a woman are much higher if you exhibit qualities that women find attractive. If submission is a 24/7 lifestyle choice for you, the attraction dynamic will be very different.

If you do things that women find off-putting like chasing after them and pampering them to win their approval, then you are going to find it difficult to make women feel attracted to you, whether you are sexually submissive or not.

One of my favourite cities to play in is Bangkok – there is so much choice for Femdom play. You've got a massive list of Pro-Dommes, regular munches and two fetish clubs.

If you haven't already, read my previous review of BarBar in Bangkok - the other Fetish club located in the city.

This time, I want to focus on Demonia. I've been here four times now, twice on my own, once with a friend and once with my girlfriend - so each experience has been drastically different!

Demonia Location

Demonia resides in the centre of Sukhumvit (the more upmarket area of Bangkok) and is easy to access via public transport. You can find it located on Sukhumvit 33. Take the Skytrain to either ASOK or Phom Phrong, and it's just an 8-minute walk.

Get directions here

The club is open every day from 5.30pm until 2am, but peak times are the weekends between 9pm and 1am.

There is no dress code, but fetish wear is encouraged. I usually wear a black t-shirt and shorts. There is a changing area with a shower in case you don't fancy walking around Bangkok in your latex gimp suit.

Unlike BarBar, which has a doorman standing outside shouting "SM show", the entrance to Demonia is much more subtle. As you walk down Sukhumvit 33 on the right-hand side, look out for a large wooden door with the "Demonia" sign lit up above the door. There will be no-one outside, so knock the door and wait for one of the Dominatrixes to open the peephole. She'll ask you a few questions and then let you inside.

Pricing

The entrance fee is 900 Baht ($30) and includes a drink of your choice. Additional drinks cost 300 baht ($10) for you and 280 ($9) baht for lady drinks. This is expensive for Bangkok, but you're paying a premium to interact with the women.

Couples can avail of a discounted entry fee of just 1200 $(40) baht for both people, which also includes a drink each.

There is an annual membership package for 15,000 Baht ($470) which provides unlimited access to the club, 36 bottles of beer, or 2 bottles of spirits/wine. Members receive reduced drink prices of 150 baht ($4.70) baht which is very reasonable. There is also a 3-month membership for 8,000 baht ($250).

Demonia accepts credit cards most of the time although I've had an issue with my card on occasion and had to go outside to use the ATM (which is at the 7-Eleven next door).

Inside Demonia

Once you enter, you'll find a long bar on your right-hand side with various play areas. The staff are friendly, especially the lady behind the bar.

Compared to BarBar, Demonia is quite limited in its play areas – it doesn't have themed rooms like the medical room or glass box, but the downstairs area is quite a cool area to play in.

Upstairs, the private rooms are somewhat disappointing and consist of a double bed, with a cross on one wall and a bathroom – there isn't a significant amount of floor space. These rooms don't create the atmosphere required for a serious BDSM session and would be much better if the area were designed like a dungeon instead.

The Women

Demonia Women. Source

When I visited Demonia last year, there were a lot of scorching hot women working there, but there seem to be fewer women now, perhaps it just depends on the night you visit.

The girls are all super-friendly and very welcoming. I used to have a regular Mistress whom I always played with there, once you're friends with one of the women you can come straight to the club, skip the show and go straight upstairs to play.

There's a Ladyboy too if you're that way inclined.

Protocol

When you arrive, you'll order your drink at the bar then take a seat to enjoy a 10-minute show from a few of the girls. The show won't blow your mind – they'll tie one of their female slaves (or you) up and dispense a good whipping, and you'll get to help them out.

You'll also be prompted afterwards to buy some drinks for each woman, so you can choose to do this and continue with the show or pick a girl and venture upstairs for some one-one-one fun (or multiple girl fun).

I'd always recommend buying the woman you're interested in a few drinks and playing with her downstairs first to make sure you are compatible before you go upstairs and pay for a private session.

Fetishes & Limits

From my experience, anything goes in Demonia. I've ordered drinks at the bar completely naked in front of other customers and received a golden shower upstairs in private. The girls are incredibly confident and know what they're doing so don't be afraid to ask for anything that you're into.

Private Sessions

You can play at the bar, where everyone can see, or you can go upstairs for a private session with one of the women. This will set you back 3,500 baht ($100) for one hour. Some of the women will expect that you continue to buy them drinks while you play. Even then, it's very cheap compared to an hour with a Dominatrix in the western world.

If you're nervous, you can continue to drink upstairs, and the lady at the bar will deliver drinks up to the room where you're playing, which is convenient.

You'll be required to shower before you enter a private session, which isn't a bad thing as the 8-minute walk from the Skytrain station might not sound like much, but in the extreme heat and humidity of Bangkok, you may be dripping in sweat by the time you arrive at Demonia. Each room has a private, clean shower area and fresh towels are provided.

Outcalls

If you'd prefer to play at your hotel, you can take a woman out of the club; you'll need to negotiate a price with the woman and also pay the bar fine which is usually 2,000 ($60) baht after 9pm.

Atmosphere

Downstairs in Demonia is a dark dungeon with a bar area. It's precisely what you'd expect from a BDSM club. First-timers may find themselves intimidated by this, but everyone is very friendly, so there's nothing to be worried about.

Check out the promo video below or visit http://www.demoniabangkok.com for more information.

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