Do you struggle to accept your fetish for female domination? Perhaps you have a foot fetish that you've been embarrassed about your whole life and you're missing out on all the fun and enjoyment?
The biggest struggle with having a fetish is learning to accept it. Once you can do this, then a whole new world of opportunity and fun will open up as you start to actually enjoy your kinks.
Kinks and fetishes naturally come with a myriad of self-esteem issues, especially submissive kinks.
I've experienced immense internal conflict over my kinks for my most of my life. However, I've been on a real personal growth expedition over the past twelve months. Here's what I've learned, and I hope it may help you if you are struggling to accept this part of you.
1. Submissives V Slaves V Bottoms
I've had a foot fetish since I was four years old and it has caused self-esteem issues for most of my life. When I finally accepted it (only recently), I realised that it wasn't actually a big deal. The thing that I've struggled with more was accepting my submissive side.
I think the perception of submissive men that we see online – being worthless losers with no self-esteem – is very different to the reality.
I can only speak for myself; I've dabbled in verbal degradation and humiliation for years, but I've never actually considered myself to be a worthless, pathetic loser.
In my 'normal' life, I am quite the opposite, and this has created a real paradox that has been difficult for me to understand.
Outside of play, I don't want a woman to treat me like shit. I don't want anyone to make me feel like I'm worthless.
Like all humans, I'm searching for a loving relationship – only I'm seeking one that's built on foundations of BDSM with mutual respect and trust. But how can a submissive achieve that when women view submissive men as creepy, repulsive weirdos with low self-esteem?
For me, accepting my submissive side has been a real battle because I don't want to be perceived as a weak, submissive man; and my lifestyle and career wouldn't allow me to live like that.
When I finally learned the difference between submissives, bottoms and slaves; I realised that I'm actually a bottom and this has been much easier for me to deal with. Bizarrely, even though they are just labels – but the idea of a bottom seems much easier for me to accept than a submissive, even though most submissives are actually bottoms.
Note: a bottom is someone who enjoys performing submissive fantasies in the bedroom, but then resumes a normal dynamic outside of play. A submissive lives the lifestyle and will be submissive in and out of play, but has their limits respected. A slave lives the lifestyle, gives up all control and has no limits.
Being a bottom resolves the paradox and enables me to be a self-confident, self-respecting person on a day-to-day basis who also enjoys submission and humiliation in the bedroom. It bundles submission into a neat little sexual package that is isolated from who I am the rest of the time. I can accept that without having to accept that I am a submissive person overall.
2. Verbal Humiliation May Not be Healthy
I'm 30 now and now I'm finally getting around to working on my self-acceptance issues, boosting my-self esteem and emotionally preparing myself for the relationship that I desire.
During this time, I've realised that verbal humiliation hasn't been the healthiest kink I've indulged in. Anyone who enjoys this fetish should be aware of the dangers; I was but never gave them much thought.
A few months ago, I visited my pro-domme and there was lots of verbal involved. After play, I felt really down and deeply ashamed of myself. Obviously, I realised something was badly wrong and this wasn't healthy for me.
I've now been restricting verbal play with certain people that I know don't really think of me that way. Whether or not you believe the things you're being told, neurolinguistic-programming is very powerful and I believe this kink has the power to seriously damage self-esteem.
Online verbal humiliation can be harmless, but when you're hearing those words for real, sometimes it can trigger something in your subconcious and unleash a buried issue.
3. Face Your Fears
I've been pushing myself to get a little outside my comfort zone with my fetishes so I can grow.
It started off earlier in the year when a Domme friend and I visited some fetish shops in Soho and bought some BDSM toys. Nothing mind blowing, but it was a big deal for me at the time because I'd never really exposed my kinks in publc like this.
I got a cute little pink dog leash, by the way.
Fast forward a few months and I visited a BDSM club in Bangkok – I had only intended to go and quietly drink at the bar and watch but after a few vodkas I got coaxed into participating in a live show. Two women were making me worship their feet in front of everyone (including men in the club). It was so uncomfortable but after 20 minutes (and a few more vodkas) I started to really enjoy it. By the end of the night, I was standing at the bar ordering drinks in my boxers with a Mistress holding me on a dog leash, while I chatted to a guy about how much I loved feet.
This was a HUGE step for me! I left that night feeling REALLY good about myself. I'd openly indulged in my fetishes in front of everyone and I was really proud of myself for doing so.
Aside: I went back the following night and was really hungover. The Mistress I was hanging out with the previous night put me on a leash and walked me around the club on all fours barking and made me kiss the shoes of every woman in the club. This was pushing another huge boundary for me, maybe not something to be attempted during a hangover!
4. Be Open
When I got back from Asia, I had a huge surge of confidence in myself and especially with my kinks. I've proactively tried to be more open about it with people. I told my best friend (a guy) everything a few months back – about my foot fetish and my desires to be dominated. I showed him my toy box and ending up sniffing a pair of my friends boots (she gave them to me for that reason) in front of him when we were drunk.
The icing on the cake was that he didn't find any of it strange, I didn't feel embarrassed and he helped me to understand that there was absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
I've started to be as open with my female friends too, and again – most of them think it's interesting.
I even told everyone at a party one night that I had a foot fetish, and no-one thought it was weird. One of the women even gave me a sock to take home!
Caveat: I think you need to be generally self-assured and self-confident to be open like this and you have to spin it in the right way. If you lack confidence it may come across as creepy and you can't do this if you're afraid of being judged or put down.
Many people won't know how to react when you tell them and if you're apologising and labelling yourself as weird then that's how people will see you. If you're full of confidence and you don't think it's weird, other people probably won't either.
I told one of my friends, and she totally rejected me over this, but I'm at a stage now where I can just let people like that go and only choose to surround myself with people who are accepting and supportive.
Embrace your kinks be proud and put yourself out there – there's SO much fun to be had when you accept your fetish and you enjoy your kinks!