Have you told your new girlfriend about your love for Femdom? Telling your partner about your fetish can one of the biggest conundrums you'll ever face. For some, it’s terrifying and the fear of rejection is very real.
Telling your partner doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, it can and SHOULD be a fun experience for both of you. When you do finally bite the bullet, a whole new world of incredible sexual experiences will open itself up to you!
Disclaimer: the following advice should only be applied in the early-stages of dating, if you have been together for some time, then it's best to just have an honest and open conversation about what you're into it.
However, in the early-stages of dating being open and direct about your kinks is likely to blow up in your face unless handled correctly and you need to tread carefully. The tactics below will help you reduce the risk of being rejected by gradually testing the water with a partner before you reveal your darkest desires.
When Should You Tell Your Partner?
Your first question might be “should I tell my partner?” and the answer is obviously yes. You are deserving of the experiences that you desire and your partner deserves to know the real you also.
So, should you tell them on the first date or wait until after you are married?
It infuriates me when I see guys asking for advice on how to tell their girlfriend or wife about their fetish, months or even years into the relationship.
This kind of behaviour is incredibly selfish, and it’s not fair to suddenly spring this on your partner years down the road. Even if she is completely accepting of your fetish, she’s going to be angry at you for keeping it from her because you didn’t trust her or believed that she would reject you.
You need to get this out in the open as soon as possible so you can determine if you two are compatible as a couple. Why would you want to waste months or years of your life dating someone who will never accept your fetish or give you what you want?
You want to find out as early as possible before you have invested any of your emotions into a partner, whether or not you two are sexually compatible. In the case that you aren’t, you can leave and find someone else more suited to you without causing too much turmoil to either party.
I personally start testing a woman’s openness to BDSM from the second or third conversation with her. You don’t need to go all in and spill your entire sex life to her right away, but you should be probing for signs that she’s compatible.
This is really easy to without putting yourself at risk of rejection. Here are some examples that I use:
Her: “I’m broke/I can’t afford it/I hate my job.”
You: “Have you considered becoming a Findomme?”
She’ll then likely ask you what a Findomme is, and you can explain that it’s a financial dominatrix – a woman who men worship and give their money to.
If she is horrified, then you can just move onto something else and just play it down as a joke. Many women, however, will be interested in this unique proposition and be open to a conversation about it, and you can then easily steer the conversation to femdom to get her thoughts on the subject without revealing anything about your own desires.
Her: “Seen any good films recently?”
You: “I think the new 50 Shades of Grey would be right up your street ;)”
50 Shades of Grey is the best thing to ever happen to us kinksters. It’s a shit movie, but almost every woman has seen it or at least heard of it, so it’s a ridiculously easy way to start a conversation about BDSM.
Her: “I love ketchup with pizza.”
You: “I have a ketchup fetish too, what other kinky shit are you into?”
You can use this one in response to basically anything she says that’s even slightly unusual.
If the subject of sex comes up, you could also ask her “What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?” When she asks you, you can say something like:
“I visited a dominatrix once, and I couldn’t sit down for a week.”
“I once started in a Fetish porn movie.”
Ideally, you should have some interesting kinky stories to tell her. Even if you don’t, you can just say these things as a joke to gauge her reaction. If she’s horrified you just tell her that you’re joking. If she seems interested, then you can reveal more.
The trick is to just be spontaneous and creative in mentioning BDSM to start a conversation and gauge her response. You’ll quickly be able to tell if she’s open to it or not. If she isn’t then you just move on to something else. The best part of this strategy is you never have to put your own feelings on the line until you know that it’s safe to do so.
If she responds well to some of your kinky conversations, then you’ll feel much more comfortable revealing your kinks to her.
How to Tell Her about Your Fetish
So you’ve had a few interesting kinky discussions with her, and she’s responded well, maybe she’s even told you some kinky stories of her own! You’ve decided that now is an excellent time to go ahead and reveal your fantasies to her.
This is where many guys screw up. They sit her down for a serious discussion and reveal their darkest secrets. They turn it into a big deal and say things that send her running for the hills.
“I really like to be dominated, I’ve never told anyone before because I’ve been too ashamed.”
“I like to be dominated by women, I’m sorry – I know that probably sounds really weird.”
“I like to be dominated by women, please don’t think I’m weird.”
They come across as weak and lacking in confidence. Apologising for being who you are or saying you’re ashamed of yourself will scare women off because you’re communicating that there is something wrong with you because of your fetish.
The most important thing when revealing your fetish is that you deliver the news with confidence. You need to be proud of the fact that you have a fetish, and maybe even a little cocky about it. Women like confidence and if they’re going to engage with you sexually – they want it to be fun. They don’t want to be your therapist.
This is what I usually do:
I tell her that I have a fetish, but I don’t say what it is. I’ll tell her that she has a week to figure it out and guess. If she guesses correctly, I’ll come clean and tell her.
This turns it into a fun game for both her and I. It makes her interested in finding out, and it also provides more opportunities to test her thoughts about certain kinks. During the week, I can say things like:
“OK, time to come clean – I love golden showers.”
I can gauge her reaction, then tell her I’m joking. She will usually also throw loads of suggestions at me, which also lets me determine how she feels about those topics.
The key here is to keep it playful and fun. She will enjoy the process of trying to figure it out, and if she guesses correctly, she’ll be pleased with herself for getting it right.
At this point, she’ll either be uninterested or keen to find out more. She may ask you lots of questions, to which you will provide confident, playful answers.
Don’t worry if she’s not completely into initially, I’ve been with women who were 100% against my fetish in the beginning but came round eventually. If she likes you, then she’ll work towards at least giving it a try – just don’t be pushy or make demands on her. Let her come round to the idea at her own pace.
Now, if she’s super-interested she’s going to want to find out more. You may or may not be comfortable openly talking about your fantasies with her. If you are, then great. If you’re a little shy then perhaps you should do this over the phone or text message.
She will most likely do her own research online, so if she isn't full of questions initially, then give it a few days and she may come back to you with some. You can also send her photos, videos or stories that communicate what you’re into. Be creative and keep it playful.
Remember, it's important you don't launch straight into this without doing the prep work to determine if she's open to BDSM. If you've done your homework, then revealing your kinks to her is much less risky.
On the off chance that she reacts badly or she rejects you, DON'T freak out. Maintain a strong frame and don't let it affect you. Never, under any circumstances apologise for being who you are. If she's not into it, just change the subject. If she's rude or disrespectful, just walk away and find someone who accepts you.
What is She Into?
Of course, your relationship with a woman isn’t all about you, and you should be making an effort to find out what she’s into too. You could play the same one-week guessing game with her to try and work out what she likes in the bedroom.
I'd recommend sitting down with her and working your way through this BDSM checklist. It's a fun exercise that will let you both figure out things you'd like to try in the bedroom.
Or, you could invite her for a game of Femdomopoly and let chance decide ;-)
Confidence is a Muscle
The more you practice talking to women about your fetish, the more confidence you will develop and the easier it will become to deal with these situations.
I used to be terrified of talking to women about my fetishes, but now I love it! I’ve gained a lot of experience from dating dominant women, shooting femdom videos, visiting Fetish clubs and Pro Dommes. I have lots of exciting experiences that I love talking about.
I love chatting with new women and learning about their kinks, and I talk about my own with confidence and pride, maybe even a little cockiness because I’m proud of being my kinky self.