Are you searching for your dream man who is also a submissive between the sheets?
Well, great news - it's a seller's market out there. Just ask any woman with a Fetlife account.
There are around one hundred subs for every Domme (OK, I just made that statistic up, but the actual number is probably even higher).
This may sound reassuring, but it comes with a set of problems.
- How do you find a genuine man interested in having a relationship or FLR - who is not going to ghost you after he gets his rocks off?
- How do you find a sub who doesn't live on the other side of the world?
In this article, we'll explore how to find a great submissive man both online and offline. Before you get started on your journey, however, there are a few critical questions that you must ask yourself if you want to make this process as easy and painless as possible.
What Are You Looking For?
When searching for a submissive man, especially if you're looking online - you're going to be bombarded with messages. It's not uncommon for a woman to receive up to 300 messages for a single Femdom personal post.
Now, who doesn't want that kind of attention?
While this can initially be flattering, sifting through these messages to find the nugget of gold is like searching for a needle in a haystack. I assume you don't have weeks to spend vetting men, so you need a filtering system to quickly process the responses and find those that match your requirements.
Whether you're an experienced Dominatrix or you're new to Femdom, spending a few minutes thinking about the following questions can make the process of finding a submissive man much more effortless.
- Do you want a 24/7 lifestyle relationship or just something in the bedroom?–
- What kinks and desires do you want your partner to fulfil?
- What potential kinks that your partner has are you willing to embrace?
- What are your limits?
- How does your ideal partner look?
- What personality characteristics does he have? Is he funny, outgoing, introverted?
- Do you want someone with experience, or are you happy training a newbie?
- How does your perfect relationship look?
- Do you want to get married?
- Do you want to find someone local? Are you happy to relocate, or would you prefer him to move?
If you want to inject a bit more fun into this activity – create a vision board! Grab a big sheet of paper (or do it on your computer) and search for images that represent the characteristics and feelings of what you're looking for and add them to your vision board.
Where to Find a Submissive Man in Real Life
While you might feel that finding a submissive man online would be easier, I'd recommend including an offline search in your strategy for three reasons:
- You're more likely to find someone in your area.
- You can find someone with who you share other interests and hobbies.
- You get to meet him right away - you won't potentially waste months talking and planning trips only to learn they're not what you expected.
Submissive men exist in all walks of life; from the guy working at your local grocery store to your car mechanic to the high-flying CEO, any one of them could be your future slave-husband.
Some men will know they're submissive and have experience; these men are easier to find. Some may have no experience or may not have discovered their submissive side yet, and others will be somewhere in the middle.
The best place to look for submissive men in real life is in the places you usually hang out! This way, you're more likely to meet a man that shares the same values and interests as you, with the bonus that they're also submissive.
If you're vegetarian, wouldn't it be great to meet a sub who loves tofu as much as you?
A relationship is built on more than just Femdom, after all.
How to Spot a Submissive Man in The Wild
It's unlikely that a submissive man will be walking around your city wearing a latex gimp suit and carrying a placard listing his kinks, so you will need to know how to spot him.
The bad news is there are no typical characteristics of submissive men that make them easy to spot. Some women will say that the shy guy who doesn't make eye contact with you is a definite submissive, but this may also be a sign of social anxiety.
I don't want to make any generalisations about men here because they're all different, but what I can do is give you an insight into my personality so you can see the signs and contradictions.
You might be surprised to learn that I don't walk around in a gimp mask sporting a collar and leash.
I'm very much in control in my day-to-day life - I dislike authority (how cliché) and have engineered my entire life to avoid it. I run my own company, ride a motorcycle and go to the gym – not exactly the submissive stereotype.
However, the following are the traits that I believe are subtle signs of my submissive side and love for Femdom. I'm not suggesting all submissive men are like this, but it's a good place to start.
- I'm chivalrous
- I want you to make a move
- I enjoy small acts of service
- I will talk about kink to test the water (not all guys will do this)
I must reiterate that these are not guaranteed signs, but they are good indicators to allow you to start digging a little further underneath the surface.
Be Upfront About Your Interest in Femdom
Just as men are unlikely to give blatant signals that they're submissive, you too must realise that unless you're walking the streets in a catsuit with a riding crop tucked under your arm, men won't be able to tell that you're a dominant woman.
You're going to have to give off some signals, and the strength of these signals is going to depend entirely on the level of openness that you're comfortable with.
"I just go straight to the point after 1/2 dates max. Especially since my domination is mostly sexual and not that receiving service focused, and sex for me is important, I cannot wait for months to see if they want to be submissive in bed."
"After or during a date (in person or online), I will tell them something along the lines of "Hey, can I tell you something important to me? I had/am having a lovely time, but before taking the next step, I would like to tell you I prefer taking a more dominant position in sex and my relationships. How do you feel about that? If you think you do not like it, no issue with me, but there is no reason to waste each other's time, and it would be better to move on and date other people with mutual interests". If they respond yes, then great game is on. If they respond no, great, I can move on."
If you're comfortable with being this upfront early on – grab the bull by the horns! If not, go for a more subtle approach.
A more discreet approach is to hint that you like being in control of your life and that you enjoy taking charge in your career or hobbies.
An experienced submissive will get the hint without risking yourself any embarrassment – other guys probably won't think much of this statement.
Flavour Your Flirting with Femdom
Another approach is to introduce Femdom into your flirting playfully.
Crack a few BDSM jokes to steer the conversation in that direction or take the lead and see how he responds.
If he responds positively, you can take the conversation further in this direction; if not – you can move on without discomfort.
Remember, many submissive guys will want you to take the lead here, so don't wait for them to do it, or you may get nowhere.
Some women have great success in introducing some subtle service-play during their dates; if you're comfortable with this, you can have a lot of fun.
"I asked him to get me another drink, very deliberately and fully intending to pay for myself. Most non-sub guys will insist on paying. This guy just respected my wishes and got up, took my offered debit card and went and got my drink. See? He didn't make it about what HE thought should happen. He just did as I asked."
Ask him to fetch you a drink or hold your bag and see how he responds. A submissive guy will be happy to perform this small act of service for you. It's important to use a playful and friendly tone here; you don't want to appear disrespectful.
"I wanted to share a quick tip I've found helpful in the flirting stage of getting to know someone. I like to gauge their reaction to being a little bossy or making a small demand like: tell me a joke, grab my water bottle etc.
Another time, again anecdotal: first two dates had been vanilla thus far, we were walking downtown, and I made him hold my jacket and purse and saw him try to contain a smile pretending it inconvenienced him. We stopped in at the sandwich shop for a quick bite, and I decided to test the dynamic. I waited until he sat down to point to the drink cooler and say, "go get me a tea, now." A huge grin erupted on his face as he bounced up, and when he brought me the drink, he told me he liked "making me happy."
Attend a Munch
If you live in a big city, you probably have munches in your local area, which are a great way to meet other kinksters, including submissive men. If you're not familiar with the concept of a munch, it's a networking event for kinky people.
Use Fetlife to locate munches in your area. If you feel intimated by this idea, try not to worry – these are not sex parties and are often held in a normal environment like a restaurant or bar. The organiser will usually vet those attending to make sure everyone is respectful and friendly.
Attend munches to make new friends. You might not meet the submissive man of your dreams on the first night, but you might make a few friends who will later introduce you to a great guy they know.
How to Find A Submissive Man Online
Finding and talking to submissive men online is much easier because you can remain anonymous while being completely upfront about your intentions.
Although it's easier, I still recommend searching both online and offline. I've met great dominant women online and offline (they don't all advertise themselves online).
In 2021, you're spoiled for choice with places to find submissive men online – the challenge is cutting through the noise and finding the right one.
The obvious first choice is Fetlife, with its 8 million kinksters - how could you not find a submissive man on here? An important consideration is that Fetlife is not a dating website - many people use it as a kinky Facebook to share photos with their friends that are too explicit for traditional social media sites.
The best strategy to find a submissive man on Fetlife is to join some Femdom groups and also use it to locate munches in your area.
That's not to say that you can't reach out to men on Fetlife if you find someone with a profile that particularly piques your interest. Men will generally be more receptive to receiving mail because they typically don't receive hundreds of messages per week like women.
Just make sure to read his profile and ascertain that he is looking for the same thing as you - you don't want to reach out to a man happily married in an FLR.
Your Fetlife profile can remain anonymous, so you can be explicitly clear that you're looking for a Femdom relationship. You can even list your kinks and fetishes!
Reddit has multiple communities focused on Femdom, most notably Femdom Personals, where you will find hundreds of guys searching for their dream Domme every week.
Many of them are just looking for wank fodder, although some are genuinely interested in building something long-term. The challenge is in separating the two.
You can also post your own ad and receive hundreds of replies from guys with a hard-on, and some genuine subs sprinkled amongst them somewhere.
Like Fetlife, you can be as upfront as you like, although it's going to be pretty apparent to anyone in this subreddit what you're looking for.
Although it sounds contradictory, keep your posts relatively vanilla with some sprinkles of kink - talk about your hobbies and interests and don't use any language that you'd use in a scene; keep that for later.
Experienced submissives are wary of scammers online - who typically use scene-lingo right off the bat, so if you do this - the good men will be skimming over your profile.
Keep your profile positive and focus on your qualities and what you can offer. I see lots of women and men posting personal ads on Reddit that sound more like they're looking for a therapist rather than a partner.
Maintaining extremely high standards and crucifying guys that have a poor approach may not be the most fruitful strategy. Sometimes a poor approach is down to a man's lack of experience rather than him being disrespectful. It's not easy for men to get experience with Femdom; some guys simply don't know what is expected of them. There's lots of submissive men out there that would be happy to learn, so don't rule them out because they called you Mistress right off the bat.
Tinder & Other Dating Sites
While there may be many submissive men posting in Femdom personals, few of them are likely to be in your local vicinity unless you live in a big city.
Traditional dating websites like Tinder or Match are also great tools to find a submissive guy who lives near you. Like finding a sub in real-life, the trick is being upfront about your intentions – although this can be tricky on these sites because they are not anonymous.
Be as upfront as you're comfortable with; the clearer your intentions, the easier it will be to find someone.
"I just have a one-liner in my Tinder profile that draws them out: "my favourite flavour of man is submissive. Wanna be part of my harem? I've had several real subs find me this way."
"I changed my Tinder profile to include "Domme you can take home to Mom". It's a revelation. There are sooo many subs on Tinder (with varying levels of experience), and since it is Tinder they are usually local and willing to meet up."
If you're not comfortable with this level of candidness, stick with a subtle mention that you like to be in control of your personal life or just mention that you're kinky.
You can also take the 'manual' approach and explore Femdom in private conversations with your potential matches through some subtle flirting.
There are many online communities centred around Femdom, such as the Femdom Community on Reddit and Submissive Men and the Women Who Love them on Fetlife. It's worth getting into the habit of actively participating in these groups – there are many dominant women and submissive men in both.
If you want to go nuclear on your Femdom search and are happy to invest more time into it, establish yourself as an authority in the community.
Start a Femdom blog and write about your experiences, or write a book!
You can easily promote this content on places like Twitter and build up a following - submissive men will then find you.
Check out Ferns or NotJustBitchy as two great examples of women blogging about Femdom.
Good Luck On Your Search!
Dating in 2021 is a minefield for even the most vanilla people – Femdom dating is exponentially more difficult for many of us, but it doesn't have to be - just remember these three key actions:
- Search online AND offline
- Be clear and upfront about your intentions
- Don't give up!
Got a tip on finding a submissive man? Let me know via email or Twitter, and I'll add it to the article.