99% of submissive men don't know how to approach a Dominant woman. Most of them completely screw it up and never get a response. If you look at any forum, social networking site or ask any dominant woman, you'll find countless stories of men doing absolutely everything wrong and destroying their chances of ever having an interaction in the first few seconds of opening their mouths.
My name is Jon, I'm 35 years old, and I am a pathetic worm whose only purpose in life is to serve you. I'd love to give you foot massages, dress up in pink panties and suck cock for you.
I have no limits, and I'll do absolutely anything to please you, Mistress.
I would be honoured if you could find a use for me.
This is the generic, self-focused type of message that submissives send to women every day, and this is probably one of the better examples!
It's important to understand that the market is in favour of the women. There are far less dominant women than there are submissives and these women are in pretty high demand. You need to go above and beyond what everyone else is doing even to stand a chance of dominant women giving you the time of day.
Fortunately, this isn't difficult because most submissives haven't got a clue what they are doing. Follow these tips I'm about to share with you, and you'll drastically increase your chances of engaging a dominant woman in conversation with you.
How Not To Approach a Domme
Before we look at how you should properly approach a dominant woman, let's first clear up a few misconceptions and talk about the things you should never do.
Don't contact hundreds of women with generic messages hoping that one will reply to you. They will instantly know that this is what you're doing and discard your message.
Don't send one line messages like "Hey, what's up?" or "Hello Mistress, how are you?". This just screams a lack of effort and reinforces point #1.
Don't send dick pics. In no reality is a Dominant woman going to be impressed by this kind of behaviour.
Don't lead with your kinks. Don't even talk about them – if your opening message is about your kinks then you will come across as a selfish person who is only interested in treating women as a fetish dispenser to satisfy your own needs. Women who you've never spoken to before on the internet are not going to help you masturbate.
Don't be pathetic. Despite what you think, dominant women aren't interested in pathetic worms who throw themselves at them.
How to Approach a Domme Properly
Now that we've got that out of the way, you're probably left wondering what the hell should you say to a dominant woman? What I'm about to tell you might come as a surprise and may even seem counter-intuitive.
The thing you have to realise is that finding a BDSM play partner or even a relationship is similar to dating and the same etiquette applies. You wouldn't show your dick on a first date or tell the woman how you like to be pleased sexually, so you shouldn't do it in this situation either.
1. Ensure You Have A Great Profile
If you interact with a woman online and she's remotely interested in you, she will check out your profile. If you haven't filled it in or you come across as a creep, then kiss goodbye to your chances of ever getting a reply from her. Spend a couple of hours writing a proper profile that will pique her interest and assure her that you're not like the other 99% of people she receives messages from.
I've written a full article on How to Write a Fetlife Profile to help you. You can apply these principles to any BDSM social networks or dating websites.
2. Do Your Homework
Contacting hundreds of women is pointless. Spend your time researching women who are a compatible match for you. Read through each of their profiles and look for common interests and kinks. Yes, this is going to take much longer, but you will significantly increase your chances of meeting someone. The scattergun approach isn't going to work, trust me.
When you've found someone who looks like a good match, do your homework on that woman. Read her profile. Reread it. Read it until you know it inside out. Does she have a Twitter account? Instagram? If so, go and check out some of her tweets and photos.
Pay attention to what she is looking for. Is she interested in men? Is she even looking for a submissive right now?
Where to Look
You can find dominant women anywhere in life, but you will significantly increase your chances if you look in the places where they typically hang out.
Fetlife is a popular choice, but there are plenty of BDSM dating sites too (some of them are scams so do your research before investing your time). I've also had success meeting dominant women on Craiglist and Findoms.
You can, of course, meet them in real-life or on vanilla dating sites but this is going to be much more difficult, even if you're completely comfortable putting yourself out there and being upfront about your kinks. The number of dominant women on these sites is going to be much lower than a site like Fetlife.
I should point out that Fetlife is not a dating site, it's a social networking site, so not everyone is on there to find potential partners although there are plenty of people who are. When you're checking out someone's profile, make sure to look at their intentions. If someone is already in a relationship or only looking for friends, then don't try to engage them as a potential partner.
Always check what a person is looking for.
3. Build Rapport
So, you've done your homework and found the perfect Domme for you. Should you message her now? You can, but if you build rapport without messaging her and subtly make yourself visible to her, you can increase your chances of her taking notice and replying.
If she has a Twitter profile, go and follow her – like some of her tweets or even reply to her with a friendly comment or two. Don't be a stalker though.
What Fetlife groups is she a member of? You can easily find this out on her profile. Check out some of her posts in those groups and comment on them. Your replies should be related to the topic being discussed and be adding value to the discussion.
You can find a list of groups a user belongs to on the left-hand side of their Fetlife profile
4. How To Message a Dominant Woman
Once you've laid the groundwork of building some rapport, you can now message her. If she's already replied to one of your comments in a group - your chances of her responding to you are much higher, provided you don't fuck up your opening message (which most submissives do).
For her to pay any attention to your message, it has to be unique and not like the hundreds of other grovelling selfish messages she receives from weirdos every day.
She's already going to be sceptical about any new messages because of the sheer volume of creepy shit she receives so you're going to have to put in the effort to stand out.
Fortunately, because most people are getting it wrong, you can be in the 1% quite easily.
Before you message her – read her profile AGAIN.
Your first message should be friendly, respectful, non-sex orientated and focused on her – not you. Treat her like a person, not a prostitute. This is where most submissives screw up. Don't even mention your kinks – lead with her profile: find a common interest and ask her about it.
This will show her that:
- You've read her profile
- You're not a selfish moron
- You're not just looking for a wank
- You're interested in HER and HER interests
- You're capable of intellectual discussion
Asking a question is important to start a conversation, don't just send her statements - give her a reason to reply.
Despite what you may think, dominant women are looking for a confident, intelligent and self-assured man who has his own life, friends and life goals. If you think she's looking for a pathetic worm with no purpose in life who will throw themselves at her feet; you've been watching too much Femdom porn.
Show her that you're confident in your message, make her laugh and come across as someone she would be interested in finding out more about.
I enjoyed reading your post in the Female Domination group about submissive men only looking to have their needs met, and I couldn't agree more – I'm sure it's frustrating.
I read a similar article about this recently and thought that you might enjoy it. Here's the link:
I see that you love travelling, what has been your kinkiest experience on your travels? ;-)
My name is Jak by the way; it's great to meet you! Looking forward to hearing back from you.
In the example, you'll see that I've opened with reference to one of her posts in a group – which shows that I've done my homework.
I've shared an article with her I think she will enjoy – I'm giving something instead of trying to get something.
I've also picked out an interest from her profile and asked her an interesting question about it. I could have asked what her favourite place has been, but everyone asks questions like this.
Asking what her kinkiest travel experience has been, is much more original and more likely to get a response and lead to an interesting conversation. Who doesn't like talking about their kinky travel experiences?
Nothing about this message is creepy, seedy or threatening. It's respectful, friendly and different to the hundreds of other messages submissives send.
Your goal is to build rapport and a friendship; if you're a good fit for each other, then things will progress naturally. They may not, in which case you will have made a friend who can help you grow and find the right person for you.
You shouldn't be exclusively focused on finding a partner either. Invest time in making friends too, dominant women know other dominant women, and if you have a circle of friends that think you're a cool person who isn't a creep, then your friends may happily introduce you to their friends. This puts you in a powerful position to meet the right woman.
This isn't rocket science, but most submissives badly screw this up. Follow these tips and put yourself in the 1%.