Femdom Fantasy Vs Reality (6 Misconceptions About Femdom)

There is often a massive disconnect between a man’s fantasies about Femdom and the reality. Unsurprisingly, being in a relationship with a dominant woman is nothing like what is depicted in porn – which comes as a surprise to many men.

I’ve had my fair share of experiences over the years to teach me about the realities of real-life Femdom, and until recently, I’d mostly experienced it in the bedroom. However, now I have a fantastic Domme who’s helping me to learn that Femdom is about more than just sexual experiences for me.

Without further ado, here are the top six misconceptions about Femdom. These apply tolong-term engagements, such as female-led-relationships (FLRs) and not too casual encounters, like those with Pro Domme's which are closer to what you see in porn.

1. It’s Not All About Sex

I know it’s challenging to find a high-quality dominant woman – but choosing a woman purely on the fact that you both share the same sexual fantasies is a bad idea. You might have plenty of wild sexual experiences to begin with, but if you want to build something meaningful that lasts then you need to find someone who you connect with outside of femdom and sex. It’s no different than building a vanilla relationship.

Your goal should be to find a quality partner who shares similar life goals with you, who you can hang out with and have fun together without the need for sex.

A good relationship is about much more than sex; it’s about helping each other to grow as individuals, supporting each other and taking care of each other's emotional needs.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having a lot of great sexual experiences together, but relationships in real-life are not about having sex 24/7.

Pleasing your dominant partner will also consist of many non-sexual day-to-day things, like cooking, doing the laundry, giving her massages or little things like sending her a message first thing each morning when you wake up.

A large part of femdom for me is psychological, and you can only achieve that by building a connection over time. It’s hard work, and it takes a lot of trust and care to create.

2. It’s Nothing Like Degrading Femdom Porn

If your femdom fantasies consist mostly of a cruel, ice queen degrading you and treating you like shit, then you may be hugely disappointed by the reality of Femdom.

Yes, your partner can certainly play this role at times, but she is never going to genuinely hate you and treat you with contempt (at least, you hope not!). The reality of Femdom porn and real-life Femdom are worlds apart.

My Domme isn’t an aggressive, angry man-hating maniac. She’s very sweet, polite and caring.

You may also be surprised to hear that she doesn’t wear a leather cat suit, 6” heels and carry a whip with her every day.

She’s not interested in degrading me or humiliating me. There was a time when I enjoyed these things, but in my previous relationship I realised they weren’t healthy for me and were tried to self-esteem issues, so I’ve since given it up.

There’s nothing wrong with humiliation play as long as you’re coming from a positive place of self-love. If you want to be degraded by women because you feel utterly worthless, then you probably shouldn’t be engaging in Femdom until you’ve ironed out your self-esteem issues.

Submitting to your partner should come from a positive place of love and acceptance, not hated and contempt. No woman on this planet who hates you is going to indulge you in your most intimate fantasies. Unless you’re paying her, of course.

3. It’s Not All About Your Fetishes

One of the significant problems with Femdom porn, in my opinion, is that it’s centred around the man’s kinks. Even though the Domme may look like a cruel, heartless bitch yelling insults while she’s jacking off the submissive, rest assured – she’s not doing it for her own pleasure.

Unlike porn, real-life FLRs are not just about your needs. It’s important to understand your partner's needs but also give consideration to your own. Denying your needs and proclaiming that you have no limits and you’ll do anything to please a woman at the sacrifice of your own needs is total bullshit.

If you were sacrificing your own needs, you wouldn’t need a dominant woman in the first place.

Woman see straight through this crap too. There is nothing wrong with having your own needs and being honest about what you want. Women are attracted to men who have goals and desires in life.

A good woman, dominant or not will still want to make you happy, too.

4. Some Femdom Fantasies are Better Left as That

It may be the case that some of the fantasies you find pleasurable in your head are very different in real life.

Cuckolding porn has surged in popularity recently, and while it may seem hot to think about random dominant women cuckolding you, do you really want the woman you love to be sleeping with other men? You need to be pretty sure before you do something like this because recklessly indulging in fantasies like this can damage your relationship.

I love fantasying about being trampled, but trampling can be very uncomfortable and painful. Public humiliation didn't turn out to be anywhere near as enjoyable as my fantasies, and the thought of licking a woman’s dirty feet clean is hot AF to me too, but I won't do it for real because I don’t want to get sick from consuming nasty dirt and bacteria.

Many men love the idea of a woman putting them in chastity (and many do enjoy the reality), but the fantasy doesn't live up to the reality for everyone.

For me personally, if I don't have regular orgasms, then I get incredibly frustrated, and it begins to interfere with my day-to-day life. I can't sleep properly, I can't focus on work and my athletic performance suffers.

Another thing to consider is that if you and your partner are planning on having kids, maybe you should go easy on the ball-busting until then ;-)

5. Women Aren’t Dominant All The Time

Men seem to hold this idea that a domme needs to be dominant in every area of her life and exert her authority at ALL times.

Being dominant in a relationship or even a scene is a tonne of hard work. (Don’t believe me? Try switching for an evening to see how difficult it is). It’s not like being a submissive where you can lie back and take orders. Being in control is tiring, and sometimes your partner may want to sit back, relax and let you take the lead for a change.

This doesn’t make her any less of domme, the same way you’re no less of a submissive because you don’t feel submissive 24/7 in every area of your life.

In porn or random encounters with Pro Dommes, the reality of those individuals is often hidden from you. When you’re engaged in something more long-term, then you’re going to see other sides to your partner.

Sometimes she will be having a bad day, she may feel down, lost, or maybe her boss is giving her a hard time at work. This doesn’t somehow make her less dominant; she’s human – just like you.

6. Men Are Desirable Too

Another massive misconception about Femdom (again, – perpetuated by porn. Pesky femdom porn!) is that men are ugly, worthless pieces of shit that must grovel at the feet of a woman.

Real dominant women don’t want pathetic losers, they want an attractive man. It’s your job to present the best version of yourself that you possibly can.

Crawling around the floor on your knees in a dog collar may not seem attractive to you, but if you’re well groomed, in good shape and exude confidence in your behaviour, then your partner will find this incredibly hot and attractive.

Find out what your partner likes and then aim to become that to please her. If she likes a well-toned athletic body, then you should be hitting the gym every day.

Be sure to share your own experiences with Femdom and whether the reality lived up to your fantasies in the comments below. 👇