If you're anything like me, you've probably struggled at some point in your life to keep your fetishes and kinky desires a secret. Perhaps you still do.
That was my story for most of my life, until last year when a few experiences helped me to develop confidence in my sexuality and gradually become more open about my kinks.
You may think that telling other people about your fetishes is a scary (and risky) prospect, but let me tell you a quick story about a recent experience that may help you to change your mind.
A few months ago, I met a woman at a business networking event while traveling abroad long-term.
My initial impression of her was that she was not kinky at all. She's a little older than me, incredibly sexy and she oozes the kind of sexual confidence that would intimidate most men.
Never in a million years could I picture myself telling her about my love for Femdom, but we shared other vanilla interests, so we started to hang out on a regular basis.
Fast forward a few months and the topic of sex came up, I felt a bit more comfortable talking about this with her by this stage and decided to test the water with some kink conversation.
I was surprised to find that she was quite open minded to BDSM and when she started to mention a few terms that only someone involved in the scene would know, I grew curious – perhaps I was wrong in my initial assessment, and maybe she was kinky?
We ended up talking about high heels, and after twenty minutes she asked me if I had a shoe fetish. I decided that this must have been a sign from the universe and I opened up and told her that I had a foot fetish.
I was surprised to find that she thought this was very attractive and sexy – she asked me a lot of questions and took a genuine interest in learning about this part of me.
Fast forward another month, and we were sharing a house together for a month while traveling, and I decided to tell her that I loved to be dominated by women.
Then this happened:
Needless to say, I was in a minor state of disbelief (and incredibly turned on).
It turned out that she has lots of prior experience as a bedroom Domme and is pretty well educated on the subject of Femdom.
Since then we've started dated and having lots of kinky Femdom experiences. We've been to numerous sex shops to stock up on toys, played together in a Fetish club and she's pushed some of my boundaries and lead me to places I didn't think I could go, like scenes that involve public humiliation.
The moral of this story is two-fold:
Never judge anyone's level of interest in kink without talking to them first. The woman who I'd assumed was very vanilla and intimidating turned out to be kinky, and we have a great (non-intimidating) sexual dynamic now.
Being open about your kinks can lead to wonderful experiences. Your next partner could be your house mate, your best friend or the guy working at the coffee shop down the road.
Of course, this advice comes with a huge caveat: this obviously isn't going to work in every instance and may backfire severely.
I got lucky, and I was also very strategic about my approach. I don't recommend that you go around telling random women how you like to be treated in the bedroom.
I'd established a friendship with this woman first that was in no way sexual or threatening. Once you have created a level of trust and understanding and the other person knows that you're not crazy or a pervert – only then should you consider talking about your sexual escapades.
I tested the water with this woman through numerous conversations that had subtle kink references to check her openness to the topic before gradually revealing my kinks. This was to reduce the likelihood of her invoking an adverse reaction.
You can do this easily by striking up a casual conversation about sex and making a few kinky jokes or references – if they respond well to them, then you can take it further.
If at any point you gauge that they're not open to it, then you can leave the conversation there.
It goes without saying that you should only be having these kinds of conversations with people who are single too.
You also need to be confident talking about your sexuality – if you're insecure about your kinks, then work on your insecurities first. You don't want your conversation to turn into a therapy session, which will just turn a potential partner off.
When we now reflect on our early conversations, she tells me that my sexual confidence about my love for Femdom was something she found attractive.
Getting Over Your Fears
A big concern for me initially was other people outing me to the world, and I know this is an issue for many others too.
The reality is that yes, this is a real risk and someone may reveal your desires to someone else - but so what?
If you're proactively being open about your kinks and telling people yourself, then it doesn't matter if other people find out because it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Just don't tell people where it may be inappropriate or affect other aspects of your life – don't tell people in your place of work, or your friend's wife.
Now, go forth and start meeting people and being open about your kinks - you never know what's waiting for you where you least expect it!