Whatever we’re into sexually, at some point we’re rejected for it. The question is: then what?
Do you react to rejection the same way you did as a frightened, heart-broken child, or do you chose a different response now you’re an emotionally mature adult?
Let me start by making something absolutely clear. Just because one or more women have rejected you in the past for being submissive, you are not wrong. You are not worthless. You are not a bad human being.
You are loveable.
You are valuable.
You definitely do not need to change anything about who you are, a submissive, or what you love, femdom.
Now that’s clear, what you might want to consider changing are:
- How you talk to yourself
- How you treat yourself
- How you share yourself with others.
My aim is by the end of this article, you will see how rejection is one of the best things that can happen to you and potentially contains vast benefits. It can be a key turning point on your pathway to personal growth, sexual maturity, and having a relationship in which you are loved and accepted exactly as you are.
1. How do you talk to yourself?
Nobody in your life will talk to you more than you do. So how you speak to yourself really does matter. This includes both what you say and the tone you say it in, both out loud and inside your head.
Why? Because your thinking and self-talk literally shapes who you are. If you were spoken down to as a child, continue to do that to yourself now, and accept similar treatment from others, it is time for a radical change. This is no longer acceptable. You are now a mature adult and you can change how you talk to yourself and how you let others talk to you.
Take a moment to think about how you want people to speak to you, aside from your darling Domme. With respect? Kindness? Courtesy? Pick some key qualities you like and start talking to yourself that way right now. This is the way you deserve to be spoken to.
It might feel awkward at first. Don’t worry, think of it like learning a new language. We all fumble a bit at the beginning and the more you practice, the better you’ll get.
I invite you to try this experiment, if you're up for it?
For the next 7 days, stop using any negative words about yourself, not even in jest.
No more, “Oh, I’m such an idiot...” or “Why am I always so stupid...”.
Not one negative word about yourself for the next 7 days either aloud or mentally. Why not give it a try? You’ll be amazed by how, when you model authentic, positive self-talk, other people will also improve the way they talk to you.
*Remember: you deserve to be spoken to with love and respect, even if you enjoy being verbally degraded. *
2. How do you treat yourself?
What do you love about being a sub? I’m guessing part of it is lavishing your attention on your beloved. Are you aware that the amount you can give someone else is directly proportional to how much you have to give?
Think about it. If someone offered you two wine glasses, one empty and one full, which one would you take?
In order to be a happy, healthy human being and an appreciated submissive man, you need to treat yourself well before you start giving yourself to anyone else. You want your daily life to be constantly topping up your wine glass as much as possible.
Take out a pen and paper and make a list of at least 10 things that give you energy and make you feel juiced up.
This is really worth spending time on, because you are really worth spending time on. If you don’t have the time right now, come back when you do have an undisturbed 20 minutes. Once you’ve made your positive list, make an opposite list of 10 things that drain your energy and make you feel bad, such as being sexually rejected.
On your list, you’ll have general things, like eating your favourite food or working out. More importantly, make sure you also have your uniquely weird and wonderful wants on your list too. These are so important so be totally honest with yourself.
Ready for another experiment?
Every day this coming week, do at least one thing from your positive list. Watch how you feel treating yourself well and providing yourself with this higher level of care. If you find it difficult, see it as sub training so you can better serve your dom.
When something happens from your Debbie Downer list, make sure you do at least one joyful thing to counterbalance it as soon as possible.
You may not be in control of what happens to you, but you do get to choose how you respond. This is important as you’re a capable grown up man who can, and does, take care of himself.
These self-care habits quickly build into self-trust and you’ll start to feel really proud of yourself. I invite you to be a full wine glass so you can easily pour into the eager mouths of the women who want you.
*Remember: you can be into femdom and self-care, be submissive and get your own needs met. These are not opposites. In fact, they are the foundational requirements of being a successful sub. *
3. How do you share yourself with others?
Being submissive is such a gorgeous gift. As with any gift, it’s the other person’s choice what they do with it. However, it’s your choice who you give it to and how you select the recipient.
While subbing is clearly a source of great pleasure for you, the right people or person will always appreciate your fetish and reward you for sharing it with them.
You’ll know they’re right for you because you will feel respected and safe with them. Pay attention to what your instincts tell you about someone. If you feel uncomfortable or hesitant then that’s your body telling you they’re probably not the right person or now isn’t the best time.
You are the expert on you. Honour that.
One way to ensure you are appropriately appreciated is to know your boundaries before you interact with anyone else. You want to know you are loved and accepted for who you are before you’re whipped and degraded, right?
Here’s one more activity. Imagine you’re a restaurant. Write down your full sexual menu, all the intimate things you love doing, receiving, and giving.
Include everything from brushing her hair to being trampled on in boots or having cigarettes put out on your face.
Again, take the time to make a truly authentic menu that’s as unique as you are. Don’t include anything that doesn’t bring you joy or turn you on.
When you’re done, go through your menu and work out your “price” for each item. Your price is what you need to feel or experience in exchange for each item. For example, for the starter of “brushing her hair” you might only need to be attracted to her and to have spent at least ten minutes talking to her. For a main course, your price for being urinated on is to be in an exclusive relationship.
Include your sexual boundaries. Just as a vegan restaurant won’t serve meat, get clear about what you never serve. This will ensure you are only degraded and abused in ways that make you feel good. Don’t bankrupt your establishment by giving away free meals or allow women you know are wrong for you to dine there. If appropriate, delight your Domme by showing her your menu and letting her order à la carte.
Getting really clear about this before being with your partner(s) makes it so much easier to talk about these boundaries in person.
If in doubt, try phrases like, “If we do X, I want it to mean Y”.
There is no such thing as TMI when it comes to sharing wants and needs in a healthy sexual relationship, BDSM or vanilla. It creates greater intimacy and helps your Domme use and abuse you in more satisfying ways for both of you. The devil is in the details...
Finally, I can pretty much guarantee that nowhere on your menu does it say, “never tell anyone about my fetish” or “force her to receive a massage”.
Your menu is positive evidence that you are clear about what you want. Be proud of yourself for writing it and for making yourself a far more attractive sub. Trust me, emotional maturity and sexual literacy are incredibly sexy qualities, and prerequisites for any subs I play with personally.
*Remember: be discerning about what you choose to serve and to whom, and what you choose not to serve. Only cater to your ideal clientele. *
Here’s your choice: be rejected and have a pity party for one, or, embrace this opportunity for change and level up these three key areas of your life.
If you haven’t already, I strongly encourage you to do the three activities. The more you practice them the more you will trust yourself.
Your new-found inner confidence will help:
- turn down the volume on other people’s opinions
- stop making all sexual interactions feel like performance reviews
- attract the right women who appreciate you and your fetish gift
- create deeper, more intimate connections with your Domme
- improve edge play with your newly-clarified boundaries.
Lastly, if you are rejected again, you’ll know it’s a sign that she’s not the right person for your or that the timing is off. It won’t “mean” anything about who you are or what you’re worth. Forget the wine glass, you’ll be the overflowing bottle of bubbly we’re all fighting over!
I believe in you and I have total faith that you can starting to make better choices from now on. Try the activities and upgrade your sub skills. It will rock your femdom world beyond your wildest wet dreams.
P.S. If you’ve enjoyed this article and want to learn more, I encourage you to get in touch. I am an Intimacy Coach and offer Sexhale counselling sessions for any issue that is impacting your sex life.
As you can probably tell, I’m not your mainstream therapist. I’m an alpha submissive switch, currently enjoying a dom and two very lovely, submissive men.
In my professional practice, I welcome all sexual preferences and identities including femdom, from very vanilla to kinky AF. A good counsellor or femdom-friendly therapist can make a truly life-changing difference and definitely belongs on self-care list in no. 2.
I’m offering all Femdomist readers a special half-price, introductory Femdom counselling session.